Monday, December 05, 2011

one month

My dear sweet Hannah,

Darling girl. I really wish I was writing this to document your first month here on earth. Instead, I am marking one month since you entered heaven and changed our world forever. And you have taught me so much in that one short month!

You have taught me that even in the midst of our worst nightmare, it wasn't impossible to feel the distinctive peace of God. And it truly was and is the peace that passes all understanding. Because I certainly don't understand how I can feel peace when I have lost you, my precious baby. But that peace has been there from the moment the ultrasound tech left the room and we knew that our lives were about to change forever. Even in the midst of crying and screaming and being really mad that we had to go through this, God was there. And he was the same in the middle of the nightmare as he was before we found out that you'd left us.

You have taught me how very precious my children are, whether or not they are here on this earth where I get to see them and hug them every day. And you've taught me that it is possible to love someone SO MUCH, even when I have never known them alive outside of me. I've always felt an inexplicable love toward my children as soon as I knew they were growing inside of me. How could I love someone so deeply before I had even seen or met them? And then to lay eyes on them after delivery! Being pregnant with you was such a different experience than with Jack and Leah because halfway through, we knew their genders. We decided to keep yours a surprise until delivery. And we WERE so surprised. I guess I thought you were going to be a boy. I didn't realize how much I thought that until you came out--I was so shocked that you were a girl! But now, after a month of knowing and missing you, I can't believe we didn't always know you were a girl. My precious, precious baby girl. :)

I miss you so much, Hannah. I love having pictures and videos of you, but I still want to hold you every day. There is some comfort that we know you're in heaven and we'll see you again, and that you never had to know the pain of this world. But I'd still rather have you here. Your brother and sister and daddy miss you too.

Love you, sweet girl.
Mommy

5 comments:

Deb Raab said...

Erin, I know the peace that surpasses understanding. I felt the same when my mom died. It's amazing. Keep pressing through and leaning into God. He has so much to offer you.

I love being part of this journey with you even though I cry every post you make. I've grown to love Hannah tremendously. I can't wait to meet her one day.

annalise + andrew said...

Oh sweet friend. My heart ACHES for you and I am weeping with you in this pain. I so with I could take your pain away (even though I know that is a crazy dream!). Praying for you always... and even more THESE days!!

Nova said...

Hello My name is Nova and I saw your story on "I am the Face" site. Reading your story was like reliving my own story. In March 2011 I too went to my monthly doctor's appointment and they too couldn't find her heartbeat. I was also 23 weeks pregnant. My Zooey was my 3rd daughter and she also passed due to a cord accident. She also had her cord wrapped twice around her neck and the 3rd time her arm was wrapped up in it also. I am so sorry for your loss. But I want you to know you are not alone. Before losing my Zooey I never knew there were so many of us out here. It helped talking with other angel moms. If you want to talk I am here. HUGS! The road ahead is a hard road but know that you will make it through and each day gets a little easier!
(I'm on facebook (Nova Colston in Seattle)

Sophia Gordon said...

I just stubmled upon your page and started to read what you wrote about your daughter and my tears just started to flow. Although i do not know you i can only imagine just a little what you are going through. Nov 5, is also my birthday so that was another thing that caught my eye. My condolences go to you and your family and keep the faith in God because he is the only one that will get you through this.

Sophia G.

Beth said...

I'm so glad that you wrote this, especially this part: "You have taught me that even in the midst of our worst nightmare, it wasn't impossible to feel the distinctive peace of God. And it truly was and is the peace that passes all understanding."

My husband and I lost our first baby -- she was stillborn at 31 weeks of pregnancy on November 20 of no apparent cause. Although I feel so much pain and sadness at the hole our daughter Eve left in our lives, I also feel that same peace that you wrote about. It's amazing, and I'm so grateful that have Him to carry us through our losses.

Much love to you and your family.