Sunday, December 18, 2011

I'm crabby

It is NOT the most wonderful time of the year.

Not this year, anyway.

Everything just feels wrong this year. I usually love Christmas and love the weeks leading up to it. Shopping and decorating and baking. But all of those things have felt like chores this year. All I really want to do is crawl up in bed and emerge sometime in April. Think I could get away with that?

I should have a big, round, pregnant belly right now. I pictured myself pregnant at Christmas. And since I have another March baby (Jack), I could actually imagine exactly HOW pregnant I would look and feel.

There should be freaking SNOW on the ground. It looks like September outside, for crying out loud. I'd like at least a little something to clue me into the fact that it's December. (But, of course, once January hits, I'd like the snow to continue to stay away).

I should be mourning the fact that I can't have an alcoholic drink on Christmas Eve, not mourning the fact that I AM able to drink this year.

There should be a baby kicking and flipping inside my body. There should be baby things collecting in our unborn baby's crib, not mementos of our stillborn daughter.

This is going to be a long week.


amy + ryan said...

Oh, Erin. :( I'm so sorry. Hugging you from here, and lifting you up to Him who holds all things together... and who will be faithful to hold YOU together, too. Love you.

Lisa said...

It just totally sucks. I'm so sorry. :(

Beth said...

I'm with you. Our baby was supposed to be born within the next month or so. This Christmas was supposed to be a joyful time of expectation nearly fulfilled. Instead, all we have are questions and grief and anger and confusion. It's a nightmare.

Dee said...

I'm sorry to hear that and there are sooo many times that I wished I could just hibernate, too... like when I lost my mom. I'll keep you in my prayers this holiday season and throughout the new year. God bless.

annalise + andrew said...

Oh sweetie. Praying for you.

Heidi said...

:( I'm so sorry. I will pray for you guys this week.

Crissy said...

I love how real you are with the emotion. Crabby is good!

Jen said...

Erin, I remember having these same crabby angry moments. I am so sorry, I pray that Christmas was gentle on you. Sending love and prayers.