Laying on that ultrasound table, the minute the tech walked out of the room I broke down. She didn't say anything, but she didn't have to. She knew why we were there. If she had seen a heartbeat, she would have said SOMETHING to ease my anxiety instead of just taking measurements for 5 minutes silently. As soon as she left and I started crying, Dan took my hand and prayed. I can't remember much of what he said in the midst of my crying, but I do remember that he asked God to bring peace. And He did. The rest of that day was filled with many tears and frustration, but in the midst of all of that was an inexplicable peace.
After the ultrasound, we met with my midwife. And after explaining some things, she shared about her own loss and said that this was just a very small part of a bigger picture. And the bigger picture is something that we can't see fully right now. And again, even though I was so devastated, that was comforting. God sees the whole picture. I don't need to. He is still God, even in the middle of my nightmare. Jesus is the same now as he was the morning of my appointment when I still thought everything was fine. God had bigger plans for Hannah--plans that didn't include life on this earth. And while most days I am really mad about that, God reminds me that His ways are way better than my own. And while I'd rather NOT be used by God in this way, I don't really have a choice!
After the ultrasound, we met with my midwife. And after explaining some things, she shared about her own loss and said that this was just a very small part of a bigger picture. And the bigger picture is something that we can't see fully right now. And again, even though I was so devastated, that was comforting. God sees the whole picture. I don't need to. He is still God, even in the middle of my nightmare. Jesus is the same now as he was the morning of my appointment when I still thought everything was fine. God had bigger plans for Hannah--plans that didn't include life on this earth. And while most days I am really mad about that, God reminds me that His ways are way better than my own. And while I'd rather NOT be used by God in this way, I don't really have a choice!
Shortly after Hannah was born, I rediscovered a Matt Redman song and bought his newest album, 10,000 Reasons. It was mostly for the one song, but the whole album is really great. The song is "Never Once." And even two weeks into this journey, I know that the words are true now and will be for the rest of our lives. We are NOT in this alone. He hasn't just dumped us on the side of the road to figure things out for ourselves. He is walking this road with us, carrying us when we can't walk any longer. Sometimes it definitely feels like we're walking alone, but that's when I thank the Lord for his promises. "The Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deut 31:6)
7 comments:
I feel like I say this all the time, but Erin Margaret, I love your heart. Your grace amazes me in this dark time. I'm so blessed to be your mother.
Tears with you friend. Isn't God AMAZING though? (As hard as it is to hear sometimes!)
Beautiful song. Thanks for sharing!
I love how honest you are but so open to what God is doing in you through all the pain. Thank you for sharing.
You are a brave and beautiful mama! I know you didn't ask to be brave...and though we'd run the Universe differently than He does at times, I will trust along with you that He does see the bigger picture, and that we never walk it alone...continuing to pray for your hearts, Erin!!!!!
Erin, even during this season of your life you are a blessing to others. My daughter is 35 weeks pregnant. And the little guy is breech and the umbilical cord is wrapped around his neck twice. Your story and this song have helped me remember the truth of God's faithfulness especially in the dark.
I cried and cried when reading this and listening to the song. But I didn't just cry for you, I cried for me and for something much bigger. I hope that doesn't sound selfish, just honest. You are so open with all of your pain right now that though I do not know the intimacy of your personal pain right now your grief reminds me of losses that are mine and those of others I love. To be reminded that we are never alone, not once is healing balm to my soul. Erin, I know you don't want to be used by God in this way but may God richly bless you for the way you are saying to Him "thy will be done" and "build your kingdom Lord, not mine." Hold on in the dark nights.
I love what Corinne said.
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