Friday, August 10, 2012

So many feelings!

If I were still pregnant with Charlie, I'd be approaching the point in my pregnancy at which I lost Hannah. But I'm not pregnant. So this day/week that I anticipated being very difficult is, instead, quite different. I'm obviously thinking about what we were going through last November as we approached the 23-week mark. But since I'm not carrying another life, I'm obviously not fearing another loss. So it's mostly facing a date that should have been significant in my pregnancy after a loss. But now it will be just another day.

We spent the better portion of the last week up north with my family. It was a great time of relaxation and fun, and I had some time to do some reading. In addition to plodding along in Anne of Avonlea, I also brought Turn My Mourning into Dancing by Henri Nouwen, which I've been reading on and off for a while now. It's SO good, and has the potential of being a really quick read, but it's also so RICH. I feel like I can only handle a little at a time. Anyway, reading some of it this week has been quite timely and refreshing. I feel like things are starting to heal. And while I would give anything to still be pregnant with my sweet Charlie, I know that there is some healing from our first loss that is still taking place--healing that wouldn't be taking place if I was still pregnant right now. So for that, I am thankful. The future feels hopeful again.

6 comments:

Beth said...

I'm so so so glad you're feeling hopeful again. What a gift. And I'm glad you're reading the Nouwen. That book has been really helpful to me, too. Big hugs.

Lisa said...

This was a great post to read. :)

amy + ryan said...

Oh, HOPE. Even glimmers of it are ohsomuch better than despair. I'm so glad you're feeling so hope. Love you muchly.

amy + ryan said...

Some. SOME hope.

Lisa said...

Wow, what an acknowledgement to face, "I know that there is some healing from our first loss that is still taking place--healing that wouldn't be taking place if I was still pregnant right now."

Such deeply sweet words to share, thank you! Thankful with you and thankful for the hope!

love you

Magdalena said...

Big hugs!