I was talking to a friend a couple of weeks ago and told her that I am feeling very distinct seasons of grief around Hannah. Although I always miss her and wish she were here, there are some seasons when I can be grateful for the journey and for what God has done through her little life. And we really have found joy through the pain. But sometimes I'm in a season of anger and sadness, and I think that's where I am these days.
I am angry that she'll never be a physical part of our family. I hate that our family will never feel complete to me. We knew we were done having babies after Will and I was okay with that until he got here. Now it's so hard for me to know that we're done. But I also know that ten more babies wouldn't make me feel done either. There are babies who aren't here. They will always be missing.
I am sad that I'll never get to hold her and kiss her and make her smile. Having Will is such a huge blessing, but it has also made me hyper-aware of everything we have missed with the babies we lost. And that's so frustrating and unfair.
The logical part of me can identify the things that we wouldn't have if Hannah hadn't died, and I know deep down that I am truly grateful for it all--fellow babyloss friends, a different outlook on life and parenting, a stronger relationship with my husband and children, and sweet baby Will. But when the logical part of me loses to the emotional part, I think, "I don't CARE! I want HANNAH!"
Hannah should be two. I can remember what two was like with Jack and Leah. And I see two around me all the time in children who were born around the same time Hannah should have been. I can very clearly imagine what Hannah would be like right now. I can picture the hand-me-downs she'd be wearing. I can picture the Elmo cake I'd likely have made for her birthday party.
I know this will all be redeemed someday in eternity. And for now I have to trust the One who redeems things even while we're still here.
3 comments:
Your words are so heartbreaking and beautiful... thanks for sharing what's going on in your heart and mind. I'll keep you in my prayers. Thanks for sharing about your sweet Hannah... I look forward to meeting her in heaven, and you being able to love on her in person once again. Much love to you.
Dear Erin,
I love your honesty and your mama's heart. I so relate to what you have said in this post. Wanting more babies has been on my mind too, but like you, I know that having all those babies would't change the fact that I really want my Solveig to be here with us.
Our sweet two year old girls…they must be playing together in Heaven…they're probably giggling and running around, and trying to catch butterflies and singing sweet songs…
I can't wait to see them…
Praying for you today…
Love,
Melody
Thank you for posting this, Erin. Your words deeply resonated with me. As crazy as it sounds - even after knowing so many other loss families - sometimes I feel like I am the only one feeling this way ("when the logical part...loses to the emotional part"). I wish Hannah were here with you, too. <3 Praying for peace and joy and glimpses of that redeeming for all of us, my friend!
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