Mourning into Dancing

Beauty for Ashes

2012-02-17T10:44:00.005-06:00

I looked at Hannah's ashes.

When we had her cremated, the funeral home gave the ashes to us in a little white box. Her name was printed on a boring white sticker. It was clear that we were going to have to find something prettier to put her ashes in, particularly by the time we had her memorial service, but also because we're planning on keeping them in our house (rather than interning them). We looked and looked, mostly online, and found a couple of possibilities. I tried looking in a couple of stores around here, but let's face it--shopping for something to hold your daughter's ashes is a sucky thing to have to do. My mom said she'd look around at the design center where she works, and she found a lovely stone box that the owner of the store GAVE her as a gift for us.

So, since we finally had something we loved for Hannah's ashes, I decided it was time to open the little white box. The box always felt light, but there was nothing to prepare me for how little space her ashes actually take up. They are in a little plastic bag with a tag from the funeral home on it. It's almost nothing. It's profound to thing that someone who has had such a huge impact in our lives was reduced to a very small amount of dust.

The next day, I came across this quote on Pinterest (that I had previously seen shortly after we lost Hannah):

The combination of the quote and my experience the night before made me think of Isaiah 61:3
"...and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor."

And then the verse made me think of this song. Please excuse the video, but trust me when I say it was the best available! But really, the sound doesn't line up with the video, so you're better off just listening to it. Or reading the lyrics.

Crystal Lewis-Beauty For Ashes - Crystal Lewis and ; Ron Kenoly(In English)Video Clip from fernandomartinez on GodTube.

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When sorrow seems to surround you
When suffering hangs heavy oer your head
Know that tomorrow brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fearGladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When what youve done keeps you from moving on
When fear wants to make itself at home in your heart
Know that forgiveness brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fearGladness for mourning
Peace for despair

I once was lost but God has found me
Though I was bound Ive been set free
Ive been made righteous in His sight
A display of His splendor all can see

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fearGladness for mourning
Peace for despair

We don't despair

2012-02-16T13:14:00.000-06:00

Sacrifice is absolutely essential for human growth; yet the abiding disposition of sacrifice is rarely established without some experience of suffering. Of course suffering itself does not make one holy and can even lead to despair. Despair is suffering that fails to teach.

Thomas Keating

Beginnings

2012-02-15T10:33:00.001-06:00

God of history and of my heart
so much has happened to me
during these whirlwind days:
I've known death and birth;
I've been brave and scared;
I've hurt, I've helped;

I've been honest, I've lied;
I've destroyed, I've created;
I've been with people, I've been lonely;
I've been loyal, I've betrayed;
I've decided, I've waffled;
I've laughed and I've cried.
You know my frail heart
and my frayed history -
and now another day begins.

O God help me to believe in beginnings
and in my beginning again,
no matter how often I've failed before.

Ted Loder

Disbelief

2012-02-10T13:32:00.002-06:00

It's been over three months, and there are still some days where the shock hits me as hard as it did the first day.

Wait, what? We actually lost a baby? I had to listen to my midwife tell me that the baby inside of me had died? I had to deliver a stillborn baby girl? That was me? Impossible. That kind of stuff happens to other people. Not me.

I should be 37 weeks pregnant right now. And I'm not. And the pain of that is getting harder and harder to deal with. I want to be complaining about cankles and heartburn. I want to be washing baby clothes and buying newborn diapers and packing a hospital bag.

And as painful as right now feels, I know it's only going to get worse as we approach March 1. Because after that, she should be here. Right now I should just be pregnant, and that hurts in its own way. But once we hit that due date, I will always be able to figure out how old Hannah should be. What size clothes she should be in. What grade she should be starting.

And it's still all so hard to believe.

When you lose a baby

2012-02-07T15:29:00.002-06:00

A page I follow on Facebook linked to this today and it's really good. So I'm sharing it here. :)

http://smallbirdstudios.com/2012/02/05/when-you-lose-a-baby/

Weary

2012-02-05T21:36:00.002-06:00

My cousin sent me a few song files when we lost Hannah. I listened to all of them right away and have come back to them once in a while. Today, I found this one and have listened to it at least five times since this afternoon.

If there's one thing I have felt consistently since November 5, it's weary. Sometimes it's a very physical feeling of exhaustion. Sometimes it's very emotional. It's just weary. And there's no other word that does the feeling justice.

I love the third verse:
Hast Thou not bid me seek Thy face,
And shall I seek in vain?
And can the ear of sovereign grace,
Be deaf when I complain?
No still the ear of sovereign grace,
Attends the mourner's prayer
Oh may I ever find access,
To breathe my sorrows there

He asks us to seek his face. But he doesn't just let us seek in vain. He's THERE when we seek him. Sometimes that's just hard to remember.

Choose Joy

2012-02-05T08:53:00.004-06:00

"Joy is what makes life worth living, but for many joy seems hard to find. They complain that their lives are sorrowful and depressing. What then brings the joy we so much desire? Are some people just lucky, while others have run out of luck? Strange as it may sound, we can choose joy. Two people can be part of the same event, but one may choose to live it quite differently from the other. One may choose to trust that what happened, painful as it may be, holds a promise. The other may choose despair and be destroyed by it.
"What makes us human is precisely this freedom of choice."
Henri Nouwen

Psalm 121

2012-02-04T21:19:00.000-06:00

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

true story

2012-01-30T16:08:00.001-06:00

Peace

2012-01-24T14:57:00.000-06:00

Delight yourselves in the Lord
Yes, and find your joy in Him
Be known for your gentleness
And never forget the nearness of our God
And don't worry - whatever is going to come
Just tell God every detail
And the peace of God that no one understands will come to you
No, don't worry
Just tell Him every detail and His peace will come to you

Living with Hope

2012-01-17T09:04:00.002-06:00

So much easier said than done, but how I LONG to live with hope.

"Optimism and hope are radically different attitudes. Optimism is the expectation that things--the weather, human relationships, the economy, the political situation, and so on--will get better. Hope is the trust that God will fulfill God's promises to us in a way that leads us to true freedom. The optimist speaks about concrete changes in the future. The person of hope lives in the moment with the knowledge and trust that all of life is in good hands.
All the great spiritual leaders in history were people of hope. Abraham, Moses, Ruth, Mary, Jesus, Rumi, Gandhi, and Dorothy Day all lived with a promise in their hearts that guided them toward the future without the need to know exactly what it would look like. Let's live with hope."

Henri Nouwen

It's all she'll ever know

2012-01-11T10:11:00.002-06:00

I was driving last night, listening to "Glory Baby" (aka, my Hannah Song), and the bridge made me almost have to pull the car over.

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know

Shortly after we lost Hannah, someone who had experienced pregnancy loss told us something that was comforting to her was knowing that her babies would never know the pain of this world. All Hannah will ever know is heaven! For selfish reasons, I wish she could have knows just a little bit of time on this earth so I could really KNOW her. But I WILL know her completely someday. :)

2 months

2012-01-05T14:41:00.002-06:00

I actually didn't even realize it until I was getting Leah down for a nap and couldn't even get through "Sunshine" without crying. Then the date popped into my head and I kind of lost it.
"What happened, Mommy?"
"Mommy's sad."
I lay down with her for a while and she took my hand and held it and then played with the tears dropping from my face onto her pillow.

We got a lovely package from a couple on Fergus Falls, and in it is a book called "The One Year Book of Hope." One of the first entries is called "Your Tears Matter to God." Thank goodness.
Ps 56:8 "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."

Miss you, sweet girl.

All Things New

2012-01-01T22:03:00.002-06:00

Happy 2012! Today has felt like the most decent day in a while. Maybe it's the feeling of a new beginning in a new year. Maybe it was the fact that the kids slept until 9:00. :)
I was driving this afternoon (which was dumb because it was SO windy) and listening to a Watermark CD that I got from a friend for Christmas. The first song was one I had heard before, but like so many other things since we've lost Hannah, it sounded new. I can't find a video or recording to share, but here are the lyrics.

All Things New
Blue skies that take me back to being a child
Trees with leaves that turn the colors I love
A heart that's beating to Your melodies ringing
And I am a miracle 'cause heaven is a part of me
And You are the song that I'm singing

I was created to love You
I was created to need You
I was created to know You
And I am a miracle 'cause heaven is a part of me
And You are the air that I'm breathin'

Because of who You are and who I am in you
You make all things pure
Because of who You are and who I am in You
You make all things true
You make all things new

And I'm so thankful for this life that I know
That I am no longer what I was
Because of Your love
And the beauty of the cross
I can see Your work in me
All things new
All things new in me
All things ne
All things new in me

2012

2011-12-31T12:46:00.001-06:00

I saw this on Facebook today and I couldn't have "said" it better myself. :)

Hurtful vs. Helpful

2011-12-29T11:24:00.003-06:00

I got a great resource from Missing Grace when we lost Hannah called, "Hurtful and Helpful Things People Say and Do." In the beginning, it was nice to have so we could anticipate some of the things people might say in an effort to be comforting (although, some of the most hurtful things we heard weren't even on the list). And it was interesting to read through them because I think a lot of things on the hurtful list seem like reasonable things to say until you have experienced a loss. I have probably said one or two of them, not realizing JUST how hurtful they actually are when you're in the middle of grief.
A friend of mine just asked about what to say in a hard situation, and I shared this list with her. And then I thought, "Everyone needs to read this!"

Hurtful and Helpful Things People Say and Do
(Written by facilitators and bereaved parents who are members of GRACE Support Groups--www.MissingGRACE.org--All Rights Missing GRACE Foundation)

HURTFUL
"He/She is in a better place." The parents feel their loving home was a very good place to raise their child and their arms are aching for their baby now.
"It's God's will." Many bereaved parents hold the belief it was not God's will to have their baby die and they feel it's a tragedy that happened in a world where bad things can happen to good people and feel God did not cause it to happen. To say it is God's will may also imply this is God's judgment on the parents.
"God has a plan and it was His perfect plan for this to happen. All things work together for his good." Right now, the situation is not good and it is hard to see that good things could come of this tragedy. Let them discover on their own the blessings that may come over time.
"At least you have other children." The child they lost still had a special place in their life and is gone now and no other child can replace or fill that void.
"At least it wasn't a 'real' baby." (in reference to ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage)
"At least you weren't that far along." The moment they found out they were pregnant with that baby they began to love it, and they wish they had been able to get farther along to deliver their baby.
"At least you didn't get attached." Oh, but they were very attached.
"If it's not perfect, you don't want it." The parent felt their baby was perfect and no matter what health issue it had, they wanted the baby in their lives.
"It's not meant to be."
"Everything happens for a reason." Right now it is hard to make sense of this and find a good reason.
"You can have another one." Maybe they can, but maybe due to issues you are unaware of or they are unaware of they can't have another. Either way that sounds a long way off and it doesn't help now.
To ignore what happened and not say anything at all. To act like things are normal/fine.
"If your baby lived, then maybe he/she would have been bad or unhealthy so God took him/her."
Calling the baby "it." Not referring to the baby by his or her name.
Bringing up the loss of a pet or someone else's death as if to say it is a similar type of pain or experience. Each situation is unique and the grief is personal.
Expressing an attitude that parents should be over their loss by a set time. Bereaved parents don't get over their babies. They take steps forward in grief and find ways to carry on the memory of their child. They have a need to honor and remember their baby throughout life. Life after loss often requires finding a new normal. Strangers can become friends and friends can become strangers. The length of the grieving process is different for everyone.

HELPFUL
To say: "I don't know what to say, but I'm so sorry. We are thinking of you and praying.
To acknowledge your own ignorance.
To send cards or forms of acknowledgment on anniversaries and/or out of the blue.
To give delayed acknowledgment vs. none at all.
To say their baby's name and talk about their baby.
To share that you are going to honor and commemorate their baby in some way.
To provide opportunities for parents to talk about their baby and their feelings.
To leave the door open for the parents to join you for events such as parties and showers but not pressure them or guilt them when they decline. Support them in their decisions.
Bring up your own infant loss if you have had one and be available to discuss your pain.
Offer to help them in daily life through the months after a loss: bring meals, clean house, watch other living children, giving the parents a chance to be alone, mow the lawn, shovel snow, run errands, send them for a massage or pampering.

Merry Christmas, Hannah!

2011-12-25T19:37:00.000-06:00

Sunshine

2011-12-22T13:24:00.002-06:00

My dear baby, how we would have loved singing to you.

I'm crabby

2011-12-18T20:19:00.003-06:00

It is NOT the most wonderful time of the year.

Not this year, anyway.

Everything just feels wrong this year. I usually love Christmas and love the weeks leading up to it. Shopping and decorating and baking. But all of those things have felt like chores this year. All I really want to do is crawl up in bed and emerge sometime in April. Think I could get away with that?

I should have a big, round, pregnant belly right now. I pictured myself pregnant at Christmas. And since I have another March baby (Jack), I could actually imagine exactly HOW pregnant I would look and feel.

There should be freaking SNOW on the ground. It looks like September outside, for crying out loud. I'd like at least a little something to clue me into the fact that it's December. (But, of course, once January hits, I'd like the snow to continue to stay away).

I should be mourning the fact that I can't have an alcoholic drink on Christmas Eve, not mourning the fact that I AM able to drink this year.

There should be a baby kicking and flipping inside my body. There should be baby things collecting in our unborn baby's crib, not mementos of our stillborn daughter.

This is going to be a long week.

My Mimi

2011-12-14T11:13:00.005-06:00

Hannah got to meet her great grandmother yesterday! My sweet Mimi, four days shy of her 94th birthday, went home to be with the Lord. She had seven children, 17 grandchildren, and ten great grandchildren. Quite the legacy!

There are so many things I remember about Mimi. She lived in Connecticut, so we only saw her when we traveled there every few years or when she came to Minnesota once in a while. When we visited her in Connecticut, I distinctly remember Frosted Flakes for breakfast and lots of The Price is Right. :)

She also taught me how to swear. Well, maybe not exactly on purpose. ;) But I remember mom blaming Mimi when she heard me swear for the first time. ("Where the hell did you get those shoes?")

Sadly, Mimi dealt with dementia for the last year or so of her life. I haven't seen her since Jack was about 18 months old, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have even recognized me if I'd seen her more recently. And for that, I am so thankful that she is in a better place. No more confusion, pain, or frustration.

Psalm 116:15
Precious in the sight of the Lord
is the death of his faithful servants.

Margaret Marie Berube
December 17, 1917 - December 13, 2011

Peace

2011-12-11T17:28:00.002-06:00

This is our pastor's sermon from this morning. If you have 40 minutes, I'd highly recommend it. I'm planning on watching it again. And then maybe again. :)

http://vimeo.com/33495865

one month

2011-12-05T10:18:00.000-06:00

My dear sweet Hannah,

Darling girl. I really wish I was writing this to document your first month here on earth. Instead, I am marking one month since you entered heaven and changed our world forever. And you have taught me so much in that one short month!

You have taught me that even in the midst of our worst nightmare, it wasn't impossible to feel the distinctive peace of God. And it truly was and is the peace that passes all understanding. Because I certainly don't understand how I can feel peace when I have lost you, my precious baby. But that peace has been there from the moment the ultrasound tech left the room and we knew that our lives were about to change forever. Even in the midst of crying and screaming and being really mad that we had to go through this, God was there. And he was the same in the middle of the nightmare as he was before we found out that you'd left us.

You have taught me how very precious my children are, whether or not they are here on this earth where I get to see them and hug them every day. And you've taught me that it is possible to love someone SO MUCH, even when I have never known them alive outside of me. I've always felt an inexplicable love toward my children as soon as I knew they were growing inside of me. How could I love someone so deeply before I had even seen or met them? And then to lay eyes on them after delivery! Being pregnant with you was such a different experience than with Jack and Leah because halfway through, we knew their genders. We decided to keep yours a surprise until delivery. And we WERE so surprised. I guess I thought you were going to be a boy. I didn't realize how much I thought that until you came out--I was so shocked that you were a girl! But now, after a month of knowing and missing you, I can't believe we didn't always know you were a girl. My precious, precious baby girl. :)

I miss you so much, Hannah. I love having pictures and videos of you, but I still want to hold you every day. There is some comfort that we know you're in heaven and we'll see you again, and that you never had to know the pain of this world. But I'd still rather have you here. Your brother and sister and daddy miss you too.

Love you, sweet girl.
Mommy

Hannah Bear

2011-12-04T21:44:00.000-06:00

We decided to take a trip to the Build-a-Bear workshop this afternoon to make a Hannah Bear. :) I wanted to find or make little things to put inside the bear when we stuffed. So Jack drew a few little pictures.

I wrote some verses and her name with its meaning. I also found a heart that I wanted to put inside.

Dan found a verse that he carries around sometimes and wrote a note on the back.

Here's the bear we picked!

And time to stuff her. :)

Putting our treasures inside.

And giving her a "bath."

And plenty of hugs and kisses!

This was an idea I had shortly after we lost Hannah, but I went back and forth about doing it. I'm so glad we did, though! The kids LOVED it and they love having "baby Hannah" in our house.

Blah

2011-12-01T23:56:00.001-06:00

"Today was a difficult day.

Tomorrow will be better."
-Kevin Henkes, Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse

I just wish I actually believed that tomorrow was going to be better.
Especially since it's midnight and I'm still awake....

Her name in the sand

2011-11-29T00:00:00.004-06:00

Shortly after we lost Hannah, in the slew of websites that I came across, I found one called "Names in the Sand." It is a project that a woman in Australia started after her son was stillborn. In the last three years, she has written nearly 13,000 names in the sand. So I added Hannah's information to the waiting list and assumed it would take a while. I checked on it a couple of times, though, and the list seemed to be moving pretty quickly. Sure enough, I got an email tonight that they'd written Hannah's name. You can see the whole entry here, but here's the picture.

I love it.

Held

2011-11-26T09:30:00.002-06:00

Last night before bed, I was reading through the pile of cards we've gotten in the last three weeks. It's just something I do once in a while. :) There was one card that said "I have prayed that while you are down, you'll remember whose almighty hand you are in." Great reminder. And we're so grateful that God didn't just carry us through the first couple of days and then say, "Okay, it looks like you've got it from here. See you later!" We are LIVING in his hands right now. And I am not planning on going anywhere anytime soon.

The card reminded me of this song, so I want to share the video. It's kind of dramatic and stereotypical of a 90s Christian music video (even though it was made in like 2005). Just listen to it without watching if that's distracting. ;) Anyway, I love a few of the lyrics enough to point out.

"Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing."
Great (and painful) reminder that this grief is going to be a journey. Even though people will go on with their lives around us, we will be in it for a while. I know that healing WILL come. Just not immediately.

"This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive."
Before we lost Hannah, our situation would have been one that I'd hear about and say, "I don't know how I'd survive if that happened to me." And then it did. And we survived. It's just one of those things that you don't know how you're going to get through until you HAVE to.

"The promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held."
In the days following Hannah's death, it did seem like everything around us was crumbling. Just stupid stuff, too. The enemy knew we were vulnerable and decided to kick us while we were down. But even in the midst of ALL of that, when we weren't sure how or when we'd be able to stand up again, he was still holding us.

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T20:23:00.004-06:00

Psalm 31:19 How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you.

Three weeks ago, it was hard to think about the approaching holidays, particularly Thanksgiving. I couldn't think of what I had to be thankful for in the middle of such pain. But obviously I have a lot to be thankful for. God is good, and even in the midst of grief, his goodness is so evident.

So even though I don't understand why things happen the way they do, I choose to give thanks. And not just today. :)

***I have to add to this post this morning. Before bed last night, I decided to read the Message version of the verse above and I loved it. "What a stack of blessing you have piled up for those who worship you, ready and waiting for all who run to you to escape an unkind world." A STACK of blessing. Love that!

Hannah's video

2011-11-23T08:48:00.000-06:00

As I mentioned in Hannah's story, we had an amazing ministry called Missing Grace who blessed us so deeply while we were in the hospital. They took pictures and video and just really honored Hannah. Well, when I went to the support group tonight, I got my DVD of all of the pictures and video clips, along with a video montage that they put together. And it's amazing, so I want to share it here. Please know that I realize not everyone will want to watch this. And that is really okay. But I also don't want to assume who does and doesn't want to watch it, so it's easier just to post it here and let you all decide. :)

WARNING: The following video contains images of a deceased baby, which may be disturbing to some viewers.

http://vimeo.com/32556041

We are not alone

2011-11-22T22:29:00.002-06:00

Ever since I had Hannah, people with similar stories have seemingly come out of the woodwork. And it's so bittersweet. So comforting to know that we're not alone. But so sad to know that so many other people know this pain. Because no one should know what this feels like.

Tonight I went to the support group at Missing Grace. Dan wasn't feeling well, but I knew our friends Leah and Gary would be there, so I went by myself. It was so good to see Candy again and see their amazing facility. And I got to meet other women and couples who have experienced loss. From early miscarriage to second trimester loss to full term loss to SIDS. Amazing stories.

It was a little daunting to walk into a room of strangers to share my story and seek support. But I realized very quickly that these people were not going to be strangers for long. We all share a very heartbreaking bond and have so much to offer to each other. And I am very excited to get to know them all better as we continue to attend the group.

Too good not to share

2011-11-21T21:49:00.002-06:00

Dan found this blog post by John Eldredge the other day. I especially love that it was written on Hannah's birthday. :)

Loving Jesus in the Pain

This has been a tough year for me. A year with a lot of suffering.

Both Stasi and I have been through a lot of physical affliction. There were accidents. Betrayals. My father died this year. On top of this, my friends have been suffering. A year with a lot of pain in it.

And there is nothing like suffering to wreak havoc in your relationship with God. The damage pain does to our relationship with Jesus is often far, far worse than the pain itself.

Every time I turned to Jesus in the midst of one episode of heartache then another, every single time I turned to him, the first thing he would say was, "Love me." At first it surprised me - aren't you supposed to say You loveme? I'm the one who's hurting here. But somehow, instinctively, I knew what he meant, knew what he was after. "Love me now, in this - not for this, but in this." And those words have been a rescue.

Here's why: Pain causes us to pull away from God. At the very moment we need him most, we pull back. Our soul withdraws, like a snail into its shell. Then you not only have the heartache, you have "lost" God for awhile too. Desolation on top of suffering. Sometimes it takes months, even years to recover the relationship. Jesus was rescuing me from that cycle by telling me to love him now, right in the midst of the pain.

On a soul level, when I love God in this place, it opens my heart and soul back up to him right where I need him most, right in the center of the pain. Too often what we cry out for is understanding - "why, God?" But I've learned over the years that when you are in the midst of the suffering, you don't often get understanding, and frankly, you don't need understanding - you need God.

And so dear friends I wanted to pass this along to you, for it has been a great help to me. Love Jesus, right there, right in the midst of the pain. Just start telling him you love him, right where you are hurting. For as you do, it enables your heart to open back up to him, it enables him to come to you in this very place. And it is Jesus that we need. Desperately.

Posted by John Eldredge 11/05/2011

Do I HAVE to?

2011-11-20T07:53:00.003-06:00

Christmas is always really exciting for me. I love Christmas music, I love shopping for Christmas gifts, and I LOVE decorating my house.

This year just feels different. It feels harder to get into the spirit of things.

I've usually at least gotten my outside lights up by now, but I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that those might just not happen this year (unless I feel really motivated on Thanksgiving--I hear it's going to be 52 degrees!). And honestly, it doesn't take me more than an hour once I start. It's just not something I feel like doing if I ever happen upon an extra hour in my day.

The rest of the house is normally decorated in the week or so after Thanksgiving. But that's already next week! I'm not ready for that! I have to say, if it wasn't for Jack and Leah, I'd probably just skip the tree altogether this year. It's just too much work for something that doesn't feel as exciting as it usually does.

As for shopping, well everything so far has been done online. But that's just being smart. I mean, free shipping from Amazon if you spend at least $25? Who would deal with the malls when that's your alternative? :)

Good thing that Christmas happens regardless of my mood! And really, good thing that God chose to send his Son regardless of how the world felt about it.

Never Once

2011-11-19T12:47:00.002-06:00

To say that the last two weeks have been difficult would be putting it lightly. But as I lay in bed last night crying (that seems to be my crying time), I thought about how evident God's hand has been in the midst of the pain. From day one, really. And for that, I am so grateful.

Laying on that ultrasound table, the minute the tech walked out of the room I broke down. She didn't say anything, but she didn't have to. She knew why we were there. If she had seen a heartbeat, she would have said SOMETHING to ease my anxiety instead of just taking measurements for 5 minutes silently. As soon as she left and I started crying, Dan took my hand and prayed. I can't remember much of what he said in the midst of my crying, but I do remember that he asked God to bring peace. And He did. The rest of that day was filled with many tears and frustration, but in the midst of all of that was an inexplicable peace.

After the ultrasound, we met with my midwife. And after explaining some things, she shared about her own loss and said that this was just a very small part of a bigger picture. And the bigger picture is something that we can't see fully right now. And again, even though I was so devastated, that was comforting. God sees the whole picture. I don't need to. He is still God, even in the middle of my nightmare. Jesus is the same now as he was the morning of my appointment when I still thought everything was fine. God had bigger plans for Hannah--plans that didn't include life on this earth. And while most days I am really mad about that, God reminds me that His ways are way better than my own. And while I'd rather NOT be used by God in this way, I don't really have a choice!

Shortly after Hannah was born, I rediscovered a Matt Redman song and bought his newest album, 10,000 Reasons. It was mostly for the one song, but the whole album is really great. The song is "Never Once." And even two weeks into this journey, I know that the words are true now and will be for the rest of our lives. We are NOT in this alone. He hasn't just dumped us on the side of the road to figure things out for ourselves. He is walking this road with us, carrying us when we can't walk any longer. Sometimes it definitely feels like we're walking alone, but that's when I thank the Lord for his promises. "The Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deut 31:6)

I read

2011-11-18T09:06:00.004-06:00

A lot. There's always something on my nightstand. Generally it's something for book club or just for fun. But I also read a lot to help me process stuff. And that's where I am right now. I actually tried to start my latest book club pick a couple of days after I had Hannah. Yeah, that was not happening. I'm sure it's a great book, but I decided that it's too hard for me to read about something other than grief and loss right now. It's just where my brain goes anyway, so getting into a different book was too hard.

My friend Leah went through a similar situation about a year ago and lost her sweet boy Isaiah at 20 weeks. I was able to talk to her after our fateful ultrasound and before induction. And both she and her husband Gary have been so wonderful to Dan and me in these weeks. Anyway, about a week and a half ago, I got a book in the mail. I had just gotten an email from Leah saying that she had ordered a book for me and that it might come that day. What a gift!

The book is I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith (you'll see a link to her blog over there somewhere >>>>>>>). Angie is the wife of Todd Smith of the group Selah. After enduring a miscarriage and going on to have twin girls and another girl, they found themselves pregnant again. At 18 weeks, they found out that their fourth baby girl, Audrey, had multiple complications that were "not compatible with life." Her heart didn't have four chambers, her kidneys were failing, etc. It was recommended that they terminate the pregnancy at that point, but they decided to carry Audrey as long as they could. She was born at around 30 weeks and lived for 2 1/2 hours.

I finished the book last night, and I feel like I need to read it again. And then maybe again. There is just so much to absorb and I know I didn't do it completely the first time through. To read Angie's thoughts and struggles, but also her faith and trust in God, is truly amazing. And inspiring for someone like me in the beginning of this journey.

Next on the reading schedule (if I DON'T pick up I Will Carry You again right away) is Henri Nouwen's Turn My Mourning into Dancing: Finding Hope in Hard Times. Angie actually references this book a few times in I Will Carry You and it was enough to make me want to read the whole thing. And I'm pretty sure you can't go wrong with Henri Nouwen.

Hannah's story

2011-11-14T07:09:00.000-06:00

This is probably more for me than for any of you, but welcome anyway. I also know that a lot of people don't know what happened, so I hope this helps.

Even though there isn't a happy ending, I feel as though Hannah's birth story deserves to be shared. So I will. :)

On Thursday morning, I had a routine midwife appointment. I'd been writing down a myriad of questions since my last appointment and my midwife, Kathrine, patiently and thoroughly answered everything for me. At the end of the appointment, she had me hop up on the exam table to check for baby's heartbeat. She tried for a while with the doppler but couldn't find anything. Neither she nor I thought much about that because we knew from my 20-week ultrasound that my placenta was anterior (on the front wall of my uterus), so it provided a nice buffer and we'd only ever heard the heartbeat with the doppler once at 11 weeks. So she rolled in an old ultrasound machine that the clinic had donated to them and tried to find it with that was but was again unsuccessful. It's a really grainy machine and she couldnt even get a good picture of the heart, much less a good enough picture to see if it was beating. She decided that I should get in for an ultrasound that afternoon at a different clinic, and she called and set that up for me.

I drove home, picked up the kids from my neighbor, and called Dan. I told him what had happened and that I had an ultrasound scheduled for 1:30. I said that I wasn't nervous but that I really didn't want to go alone. So he came home, we got Jack on the bus after lunch, brought Leah to a friend's house, and headed to the ultrasound.

After checking in, we were brought into an ultrasound room and the tech asked me a couple of questions and started the ultrasound. The screen was turned away from me, and as soon as she started, she didn't say a word. That was my first indication that something was up. She knew we were there to check for a heartbeat, so I assumed if she saw a heartbeat, she'd tell me and show me the screen and we'd all breathe a sigh of relief. She continued to take measurements and pictures in silence for about five minutes. Then she turned off the machine and said, "I'll be right back" and left the room. And I lost it. Dan held my hand and prayed while I bawled. The tech came back in about ten minutes later and said, "I talked to the radiologist and your midwife would like to see you right away at her office."

So we drove down the road back to my midwife's clinic where she met us in the hallway and hugged me while I cried. We found a room and she said, "What did they tell you?" I said, "Nothing, but I know it's not good." She confirmed that the baby had passed away and that we would have to induce labor. She said I could safely wait a few days if I needed to, but staying pregnant just felt too odd. Besides, Kathrine was on call at the hospital for the weekend, and she's really the only midwife in the practice (there are three total) that I know very well. So she called North Memorial to make sure there would be room for me on Friday morning, and we decided to go for it.

On Friday morning, my mom came to stay with our kids for the day(s) and Dan and I packed up and headed to the hospital. We checked in at Labor and Delivery and were brought to our room. Kathrine arrived shortly after we did and we talked through what we'd be doing to induce labor. After some paperwork and asking lots of questions, I got my first dose of cytotec (a tablet that is placed behind the cervix to help it start to dilate and efface). I was already at about 1 cm and 50% effaced, so I figured it wouldn't take too long to get to 4 cm (which is where my midwife wanted me to get before delivering). I was wrong. I don't know why I thought this would be faster than my labors with Jack and Leah (30 hours and 28 hours, respectively). I got the cytotec every four hours. After the second dose at about 2:00 pm, I also started a drug called fentanyl to take the edge off of some of the pain. Even though I had two unmedicated births with Jack and Leah, I had decided early on in the day that I was not about to tough it out with this one. I told my midwife that I could handle physical pain OR emotional pain--not both. The fentanyl worked okay for a while. I got a third dose of cytotec at 6:00 pm and was still at 1 cm and about 75% effaced. Kathrine said she would have liked to have seen the second dose do more than it did, so after the third dose didn't do much either, she decided we should probably try pitocin to get some contractions into a good labor pattern. I told her that if she was going to talk pitocin, then I was going to talk epidural. Just the thought of it freaked me out, but again, I knew I didn't want to feel this.

Luckily, they weren't in a hurry to start the pitocin, so they let me get the epidural first and make sure I was getting relief from it before the pitocin started. I'm so grateful for that because the epidural experience was an adventure. The anesthesiologist was a very dear man and felt terrible, but it took him three tries to get the needle in the right place. And holy mother of God, every time hurt so bad. He finally got the needle in correctly, but even then, something was wrong with the medicine actually making it into the tube. About an hour later, I was finally feeling relief and they started the pitocin.

It was about 11:30 pm by now and I had been awake since 3:30 am, so I was very glad for the chance to rest (as was Dan). Of course, my sleep was a little interrupted by my blood pressure cuff going off every 20 minutes and the nurse coming in to increase the pitocin every half hour. But it was still nice to rest my eyes. At about midnight, my nurse took my temperature and discovered that I had a fever of almost 102 degrees. So they added a penicillin drip to my IV in case I had an infection. (At one point I was hooked up to an ekg, the epidural, a contraction monitor, a blood pressure cuff, and an IV with pitocin, fluid, and penicillin. It was quite the sight. I couldn't move if I wanted to).

At about 1:45 am, I pushed my epidural button for more relief and it didn't do a whole lot, so I called my nurse and told her that I needed something adjusted. I was feeling way too much and it was getting way too painful. Kathrine came in and checked me and said that she'd like to break my water. The anesthesiologist came in because my nurse had called him in to increase my epidural. By the time he got to the side of my bed, I said, "It's too late! The baby is coming!" and I kind of freaked out. I wasn't ready for it to happen then. I thought Kathrine would break my water and I'd have to push. That was not the case at all. The baby (still in the amniotic sac) and the placenta all came out at once. (That was a huge answer to prayer--at 23 weeks, it can be tricker to deliver the placenta without issues and there was a chance I'd have to have a D&C).

The contractions stopped immediately and Dan and I just cried. Kathrine was working on getting the baby out of the sac and she finally was able to lift it to me, where I had two warm blankets on my chest to hold it. At this point, we still didn't know if it was a boy or a girl. I had wanted Dan to announce the gender when the baby came out, but it was in the sac and he couldn't see anything. So once the baby was in my blankets, we all looked at the same time and saw that she was a girl, and we named her Hannah Marie. (And all three of us thought, but didn't say out loud right away, "Jack really does have laser vision!"). Dan and I cried some more while Kathrine took care of cleaning me up a little bit. I noticed that her head seemed kind of misshapen, and I asked Kathrine if that was the problem (she had told me that the reason for all of this might be obvious at birth). She said that the bones are all still so soft at this point, so it was normal for her head to look like that. Then she told us that when she broke the sac, she had to unwrap the cord from around Hannah's neck three times. She said that was pretty obviously the cause of death. I was really grateful that it was so obvious. I didn't want to have to go through getting an autopsy or other tests to determine any chromosomal problems. She still sent some of my placenta and part of the cord to pathology to be tested for anything unusual.

My parents arrived shortly after she was born and were able to hold her and pray over her. It was an incredibly sacred time and I'm so glad we had it. At about 3:30 am, two wonderful women from a ministry called Missing Grace Foundation came and took such good care of us. They were really there to walk us through this experience so that we wouldn't have any regrets. They both lost babies (one at 33 weeks, one at 20 weeks) and were coming in with clear minds and the experience (from their own births and so many others that they've attended) to help us through each step.

They cleaned Hannah up and put a tiny outfit and hat on her. They wrapped her in a beautiful blanket with a beanbag sort of thing behind her (to give her some weight, but it was also filled with essential oils and smelled lovely). They took pictures and video the whole time they were there. They gave us a huge basket with gifts and resources. The nurse weighed and measured her (14 ounces and 11 1/2 inches), and they took her foot prints and hand prints. But most of all, they just let us hold her and love her for as long as we wanted.

The ladies from Missing Grace stayed for a couple of hours and after they left, Dan and I decided to rest some more (since I was literally falling asleep sitting up while people were talking to me). Dan fell asleep right away on his pull-out bed and I lay with Hannah for a while before I finally dozed off. I think we both slept on and off for a couple of hours. Dan decided to go get some breakfast and I took a bath. After another hour or so in our room, we decided it was time to say goodbye to Hannah. We cried together and hugged and kissed her and let Kathrine take her away. Then we packed up our stuff, signed some papers, and left to go home.

We were so glad to pick up Jack and Leah at my parents and hug and kiss them and love them. And they were happy to see us too. ;) So we headed home and began this very long journey ahead of us.

Right now everything is still so surreal. I can't believe that a week and a half ago, I went to a midwife appointment assuming everything was fine and ended that day completely devastated and lost. We are constantly overwhelmed by the love and support of those around us. The sadness comes in waves and sometimes it just knocks me off my feet when I am least expecting it.

Hannah Marie

2011-11-07T18:37:00.002-06:00

Our sweet baby girl was born early on Saturday morning, just over 23 weeks, straight into the arms of Jesus.

While we are so sad that we don't get to be her parents here on earth, we are incredibly grateful for the promise of heaven and know that we will see her again.

There's something missing!

2011-10-30T13:36:00.001-05:00

My BABY boy just lost his first tooth! It's been loose for a little while, but on Friday I felt it and said, "You are losing this tooth this weekend!" (At which point he said, "Well, then you better make me a tooth fairy pillow!). And sure enough, he just pulled it out. It was more than ready to come. Pretty sure the tooth itself was dead and just hanging on by a thread. :)

Now I'm in a bind because I asked him the other day how much money he thought the tooth fairy was going to leave and he said "ten thousand dollars." I have some scrounging to do....

In love!

2011-10-10T12:02:00.002-05:00

With this thumb-sucking little fetus!

Coconut chicken

2011-09-27T18:56:00.005-05:00

Someone shared this recipe on Facebook a couple of weeks ago and I decided to add it to my

meal planning. Dan is a big coconut fan (or just a big coconut--you be the judge), and the person who posted it had wonderful things to say about it. Well, we had it tonight and it was a HUGE hit! Super yummy. Definitely something I'll make again! Enjoy. :)

Coconut Chicken

2 lbs boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cut into strips
1 cup flour

1/2 t. salt

2 eggs

1/4 cup milk (the recipe suggested coconut milk, but I wasn't about to buy it just for 1/4 cup, so I used regular milk)

1 cup shredded coconut

1 cup panko bread crumbs (this is really important--you need the crispiness of panko. They can be found in the asian food section at your grocery store)
vegetable oil

dipping sauce (the recipe called for sweet chili sauce, but I forgot to add it to my shopping list. So I ate mine plain and Dan used some ranch, but agreed that something with a bite would be awesome)

Prepare your dredging station by mixing the flour and salt in one bowl, the eggs and milk in another bowl, and the coconut and panko in a third bowl.
Pour about 1/4 cup oil into a large fry pan. While it gets hot, start dredging your chicken--first in the flour, then the egg mixture, then in the coconut and panko mixture. Set aside until your oil is hot (I didn't start dredging until my oil was hot, so it went straight into the pan).
Fry over medium heat for 2-3 minutes per side. The coconut will let you know if your pan is too hot--it burns rather quickly. I don't know that from experience--I've just heard. ;)

Drain on paper towels to absorb the extra oil.

Four chicken breasts (about 20 strips) took me four batches in the pan. I probably could have done it in three, but I didn't want to crowd things.

My little Jedi masters :)

2011-09-26T22:21:00.007-05:00

Last week, Jackson decided that he did not want to be Superman for Halloween again (the original plan, which had me doing a happy dance because it was easy). His new idea was to be something from Star Wars, so we did some looking online and landed on "Jedi." I thought, "well, it sure would be cute if Leah was Yoda!" So we looked at costumes online and found everything we needed on Amazon. For $56. Yeah, not happening. So I started searching for "how to make a Jedi costume" and found this: http://www.degraeve.com/jedirobe/
Super easy instructions on making a Jedi robe, as well as what to wear under the robe to make it look more Jedi-ish. I found cheap fabric to make a robe and the under-stuff for Jack and a robe for Leah.

Step two was finding a Yoda hat for Leah. I found this on Etsy and fell in love. And it seemed pretty cheap, since I was saving so much on the costumes by making them myself. Well, I happened to teach myself how to crochet (with the help of YouTube) a couple of weeks ago and thought, "I wonder if I could find an easy pattern for a yoda hat." I found this:

http://happyhooker.wordpress.com/2011/02/15/yoda-hat/
I decided to TRY it and go with the Etsy hat if all failed. Well, the hat whipped up in no time last night. I got the ears done this morning and attached them this afternoon. Super quick. I do want to starch them before Halloween--they're a little floppy. But otherwise, I was quite pleased.

Here are the final results:

And now, of course, Halloween won't come quickly enough! Especially for Jackson, who isn't allowed to REALLY play with this costume until November. :)

Off he goes!

2011-09-06T14:25:00.006-05:00

I sent my baby boy to kindergarten today. I think his excitement helped me not fall apart. :) I'm anxious to hear all about his first day!

number three

2011-08-11T12:37:00.002-05:00

Well, come March, Leah will no longer be my baby. She'll be my strong-willed middle child. :) And Jack will get to brush up on his big brother skills once more!

We told my family a couple of weeks ago:

And these are the pictures that Dan got before and after the announcement. :)

Excited to do this one more time. :)

two years

2011-07-11T20:49:00.004-05:00

Dear Leah,

You're TWO! Unfortunately, when you try to hold up two fingers, you look like this:We're working on it. If nothing else, you've got "10" down! When I woke you up this morning, I said, "Leah! It's your birthday!" And you said, "Birthday Birthday Elmo!" You were probably referring to your VERY exciting Elmo birthday party that we had here on Saturday. :) Elmo cake, Elmo cupcakes, Elmo presents. It was a dream come true for my little Elmo fan! But we did not have another Elmo party today. Sorry to disappoint. :)

My goodness, what a delightful 2-year-old you are! You are so quick to smile and laugh and just love to have fun. You mostly love to play with your big brother. And your babies! Oh, you love your babies. We got you a doll stroller and diaper bag for your birthday, and you have been pushing the stroller and carrying the diaper bag for two days straight. So has Jack, actually. Which is fine, but you don't HAVE to share with him. I mean, he doesn't let you get into all of his little tiny lego pieces. So you can draw a line too.

You also LOVE swimming. We are taking swimming lessons once a week this summer, and it's impossible to get you OUT of the water when it's time to go home! Both you and Jack are little fish! We've gone to the beach a couple of times too, but you're not as fond of that kind of water. Pools are okay. :)

One thing I love right now is watching you play with your friends. Sometimes it's just the other younger siblings at the park while Jack has t-ball practice. Sometimes it's when our neighbors Cooper and Carter come over to play after naptime. Sometimes it's when friends come over and bring their little people for you to play with. :)(And it's even more fun when you're wearing matching outfits!)

Well, my dear. It's hard to believe that I'm actually writing your two-year letter. Two years ago, at this very moment, I took this picture:

And this morning when I woke you up, I took this:

MY how you've changed! You are a wonderful, beautiful, smart, amazing little girl. And these first two years of your life have been an incredible blessing to our family. We LOVE you to pieces and can't wait to see what this next year holds. Thanks for being such a sweet heart. :)

Love,
Mom

Old friends :)

2011-07-07T15:01:00.005-05:00

I graduated from college with five very sweet friends, and eight years later the six of us have twelve children (with #13 on the way, thanks to Jenny)! We got together today and the kids had a TON of fun. We had to get a group shot. It's quite the crew. :)
(Click on the pictures to see them bigger)

That's Jackson, Caeden, Finn, Noah, Avery, Paige, Leah, Isaac, Layla, Abby, Clay, and Sam.

And the moms! Lisa, Holly, Jenny, me, Carrie, and Shannon.

Love you girls!

I'm an aunt!

2011-07-05T14:22:00.001-05:00

Tomas Joseph Miller
7 lb 6 oz, 20 1/2 inches
Born at 7:29pm on the 4th of July

When your five-year-old knocks your socks off

2011-06-21T18:51:00.002-05:00

Last night, I had to run a couple errands with the kids after dinner. Dan was going to be working late, and I needed to stop at the UPS store and the bank. Getting out of the house was proving to be nearly impossible with a crabby almost-2-year-old. And I realized when we got out to the garage that Jack's car seat was still in the WAY back seat from our earlier trip to the new playground at Elm Creek with our neighbors. So I got Leah in her seat and then fought with Jack's seat to get it back where it belongs, all while dealing with a very odd pain in my wrist that came out of nowhere in the last week.

I finally got the seat taken care of, told Jack he could get himself in, and returned to my side of the car. When I got to Leah's door to close it, Jack said, "Mom, is there anything I can do for you right now?"

Ah! What 5-year-old DOES that? He caught me completely off-guard and I audibly sighed, closed Leah's door, and hopped in the front seat. I told him that was very, very nice of him to offer and that I'd let him know if I thought of something for him to do.

I'm sad that I was clearly frustrated enough for my son to recognize that I might need help. But I'm also blessed that Dan and I are raising a boy who is ABLE to recognize when someone might need for him to do something for them. That's what made my heart melt.

He offered again when we got home last night and I finally cashed in on the offer this afternoon and asked him to tidy up the living room. :)

I can fix that....

2011-05-28T13:20:00.004-05:00

Leah will be 2 in July and I've decided that we're going to do an Elmo birthday party. Since I'm a bit of a planner, I found a custom Elmo shirt on Etsy and ordered it. Unfortunately, when it came, I was sorely disappointed in the size. I ordered a 3T because that's what size Leah is wearing right now. She even has a couple regular t-shirts that are 3T, so I was expecting the size to work. But it was like a night shirt:

I mean, it was practically down to her knees and past her elbows. Ridiculous! (Plus, when I paired it with the skirt I had made, it covered most of it and just looked dumb). So I emailed the woman who made it, told her it was HUGE, and asked if she had any sort of return or exchange policy on custom orders. She doesn't. (I then encouraged her to disclose in her listings that the sizes run big--as I perused her feedback, the common thread among neutral and negative comments was sizing).

So I decided I had a couple of options. First, I washed it on warm and dried it to see if it would shrink a little. It didn't. Then, after some encouragement from a couple of friends, I decided to try to take it in. I figured if it TOTALLY flopped, I could cut out the design and sew it on a shirt that fit. So I turned the shirt inside out and grabbed another t-shirt that fits her well and laid it on the Elmo shirt so that the tops lined up. I traced along the sides and under the arms and sewed a seam. Perfect! I could tell this was going to work. Then I turned the shirt back right side out, folded the bottom under, ironed the hem, and sewed it. Excellent. Did the same with each sleeve and VOILA!It fit! I was quite pleased with myself. And here is her whole birthday outfit:

Of course she'll wear some cute white sandals instead of socks. But it was like 48 degrees outside yesterday when I took this picture. We were definitely all wearing socks. :)

I'm a Believer!

2011-05-21T16:45:00.004-05:00

So I've always been curious about the grocery store Aldi. We had two locations relatively close to us, but I just never got there. But I always meant to because I have friends who couldn't stop raving about the deals.

Well, a third relatively close location just recently opened up, and it happens to be the closest of the three relatively close locations. :) My neighbor and I decided to brave the unknown together (with our collective four children) and made our debut Aldi appearance on Thursday afternoon.

Since I had already done my "big" shopping trip for the week, I decided just to pick up a few things that we would normal buy and eat to compare prices and tastes. Aldi carries mostly their own brands of everything. Once in a while, they get a big shipment of some overstock of a name brand item. For instance, when we went on Thursday, they had big bags of M&Ms and jugs of Arizona iced tea. But otherwise, everything is an off brand. Now, I happen to buy mostly store brands anyway (unless a combination of sale and coupon gets me the name brands for a better deal). So the idea of off brands was just fine with me.

Just walking around the store, I was extremely impressed with the prices. A loaf of sandwich bread was $.99 (comparable quality to Cub's store brand loaf of sandwich bread, which is closer to $2). A pound of butter was $2.49, which is, unfortunately, a really great price right now. (Just yesterday, Target's store brand of Market Pantry had butter for over $4/lb). The trip was mostly to browse, but I did pick up a few things. Here's the rundown:

Cheese Sharks (like goldfish) $1.29
Honey Nut Cheerio-look-alikes $1.59
Fruit snacks $1.79
Graham crackers $1.19
Flour (5 lb) $1.63
Mandarin oranges (4-pk bowls) $1.49
English muffins (6) $.99
Tortilla chips $1.19
Hot dogs (10) $.75
Hot dog buns (8) $.79
Tortellini $1.99
Fruit strips $1.99
Brats (5) $2.99
Strawberries (8 oz) $1.59
Frozen corn $.65
Frozen green beans $1.49
GRAND TOTAL: $23.53

For comparison, I entered all comparable products on the Coborn's Delivers website. Now, Coborn's is generally a little more expensive than Target or Cub, but I did pick their store brands whenever I could. The total for the same 16 items was over $51. I'd say I did pretty well!

So far, the things we've tried have been great. The English muffins are gone (thanks to a 5-year-old who decided he loved them), the cheese sharks are awesome, the brats were very similar in taste to Johnsonville, and the hot dog buns were amazing for being $.79. Fruit strips, tortilla chips, mandarin oranges, and hot dogs were also all very comparable to other store brands.

Since I'm a person who already shops at Cub, Target, Sam's, and occasionally Trader Joe's, I don't really want to add another store to the list of places I need to go to get what I want. But after just one trip, I'm fairly certain I can cut my Cub trips (which is great, since it's not exactly my favorite place to shop. And don't let Amy Garvin tell you differently). :)

I'm excited to go back with my actual shopping list and try more things. If you have never tried Aldi and would like to, there are a few things you need to know:

1) You have to bring your own bags and bag your own groceries.
2) You need a quarter to get a cart. You get it back when you return your cart.
3) You need either cash or a debit card with a pin. Now, my receipt says that they are now accepting all debit/check cards, but I don't know if that includes check cards that are issued by Visa (like my check card from Wells Fargo, for instance). I'll have to ask next time.

Extreme Couponing

2011-04-14T20:12:00.003-05:00

If I was important enough for such things, I'd first change the title of this new show on TLC to Insane Couponing. Because what I've seen in the first couple episodes was just that. Nothing short of completely insane.

For the record, I am ALL for clipping coupons. As someone trying to get out of debt and living on a strict budget, I am definitely dependent on finding sales and using coupons to get an even bigger deal. I am even fine with people stocking up on things that they use when they can get great deals. (I have a very humble stockpile on some shelving in our laundry room and recently bought an extra freezer to help with that storage space). However, I think there is a line between frugal and freaky, and in my opinion, that line was crossed on Extreme Couponing.

A friend on Facebook recently said "Extreme Couponing is just organized hoarding." I laughed and thought, "How TRUE!" Some of these people have very extensive organization systems in a room in their house, and everything (even though it looks like a small convenience store) is very contained. However, some people, like a woman I saw last night, have items stored in every available space in their house. Toilet paper under her kids' beds, 2-liter bottles of soda and rolls of paper towels completely filling closets, and shelves lining every hallway in the house. This woman even said she felt like her house was closing in on her. I can't imagine living like that. This particular family had enough paper towels and boxes of cereal to last her family for three years. But it's not as though she's going to stop buying those things for the next three years and live off her stockpile. She's going to keep accumulating and storing these items, making her house into a veritable warehouse store.

One woman knocked down a wall in her house to make a small closet to keep all of her newspaper coupon inserts. She had crates upon crates full of circulars. This same woman, in her stockpile, had loads of cat treats and cat food. And she didn't even have a cat. I think that illustrates what has been a huge rule for myself when couponing and finding deals. It doesn't matter if you get a product for ridiculously cheap. If the product isn't something you'll use, it's not a deal! The exception to that rule is if you can donate the item. So many times, these people are getting things for free (or being paid to take them), and they end up donating a LOT of it to a local food shelf, which is really great.

I truly think that some of these extreme couponers are actually addicted to what they do. I've seen these people spend anywhere from 35 to 60 hours a week on couponing--planning shopping trips, finding the right coupons, figuring out their transactions (since some stores have rules about how many coupons you can use on one transaction, etc). And sometimes their shopping trips are 4-5 hours long. That's a full-time job! And I guess that makes sense when these people are saving $40-60,000 for their families each year. That's their income for the work they do! But again, there is clearly a level of "thrill" that these couponers are attaining, and I really think it can become unhealthy. One woman last night was shopping for herself, as well as her daughter-in-law and a local food bank. At one point she said, "I am a person who needs to be needed." I sincerely hope this woman's self-worth isn't solely wrapped up in couponing, but after watching her episode, I can't be so sure.

All of this aside, it's hard to deny that the numbers are impressive. The people on the show are consistently saving 90-98% of their grocery bill. One family went through the store and had two different transactions totaling over $1101. Their out-of-pocket amount was $43.92. Another woman paid only $4.53 for groceries totaling $1161.22. She had two transactions--the first transaction actually ended with the store owing her money, which was carried over into her second transaction.

All in all, I think couponing is a fantastic way to save money when you shop. Even better if you can match up those coupons with store sales. And if you have the time and energy to devote to insane couponing, then by all means, have at it. I won't be joining you. But I will be impressed with your 95% savings. :)

You can catch Extreme Couponing on TLC on Wednesdays at 8:00 and 8:30. And I do recommend tuning in at least once. Even if you don't learn anything, it's really fascinating!

Sleep

2011-04-08T08:42:00.003-05:00

A few days ago, I watched at TED talk by the composer Eric Whitacre. It was super fascinating, and if you have 15 minutes to spare, I'd highly recommend it. The video after the TED talk is the final version of the song he refers to in the TED talk. (And don't worry--the song is not actually over 9 minutes....it's about 5, and the rest is credits). It's beautiful! Enjoy. :)

five years

2011-03-19T20:35:00.002-05:00

Dear Jack,

I am the mother of a five year old! That's a little crazy. Impossible, even. Except that it's true. Gosh, how did this happen? You were just a TINY (well....) baby and now you're a TALL boy. This morning, you woke up and came into our bedroom. "Mommy? Am I five now?" :)

Five years ago, we were blessed with a beautiful, 9lb 8oz, baby boy. And our lives changed, for the better, FOREVER! It was amazing. I remember thinking, "Wow. I can't remember what it was like before Jack was here." And I think that's exactly the way it should be. :)

Before I went to bed last night, I put all of your presents on the kitchen counter so we could have a little celebration this morning. Well, before you saw them, you asked if you could open ONE gift before your party. I said, "Jack! You can open ALL of your presents!" You were a little beside yourself. I'm not sure what you were most excited about--I think it was a tie between the Legos and the knight armor set. You make a pretty awesome knight!

The fact that your birthday fell on a Saturday was pretty fun. It might be the first time your birthday party was actually ON your birthday! Your party was, of course, Star Wars-themed. No-brainer. You are very interested in Star Wars right now. Scratch that, you're a little obsessed. :) You can turn anything in to a light saber! You got some fun Star Wars presents to add to your growing collection of Legos and figures. And I was honored to add to the theme with a very special Star Wars cake!

I think the biggest change this year is yet to come--you will go to kindergarten in the fall. And that's all I'm going to say about that because it makes me sad.

Your sister is still one of your favorite people in the world! Please don't let that change. You two just ADORE each other. I hate to say it, but I'm sure we'll get a few years down the road and think, "Remember when they loved each other?" :) It's so adorable to watch you together. Leah looks up to you so much, and she should. You're awesome! And you really do love playing with her. You know, when she's not stealing your Lego pieces or climbing on your stool when you're trying to eat lunch.

Well, you are just one of my favorite people in the world. I can't believe we've been blessed with you for five years already! I'm excited to see what the next year brings. Thank you for the JOY you bring to our family!

Hugs and kisses!
Love,
Mom :)

Poppa is SO funny

2011-03-17T20:00:00.006-05:00

And so are dominoes.

My Jedi Master :)

2011-02-05T12:42:00.001-06:00

The obligatory "after" picture

2011-01-27T16:17:00.002-06:00

After the ordeal with our deck falling down, the association finally agreed to cover the cost and hired some builders to make a new one. It's all a HUGE blessing in disguise, and as of about 3:00 this afternoon, we have a brand new, beautiful deck! I'm a little bummed that it's still the middle of winter and we can't actually enjoy it right away, but I can't WAIT to spend some time on it this summer!

Meet Jack.

2011-01-26T13:21:00.002-06:00

Jack had a friend over today and at one point, Jack came upstairs for something. I was pretty sure it was to use the bathroom, but I wasn't really paying attention until he was headed back downstairs. I stopped him and said, "Hey, what were you doing up here?" (mostly making sure he flushed and washed his hands if he was, indeed, using the bathroom).
"Oh, I was just looking for something."
"What were you looking for?"
"Oh, I don't remember."
"Jack, did you go potty?"
"No."
"What were you doing up here, then?"
"Well.....I just came up here to give you a really big hug!"
I lost it at that point, and he thought it was really funny and said, "Just kidding!"
Finally, I told him that if I went in the bathroom and saw pee in the toilet, he was going to be in big trouble.
"Okay, I'll go flush and wash my hands."
Stinker!
Then he got a time-out for lying. Even though he mostly cracked me up.

eighteen months

2011-01-11T13:23:00.002-06:00

Dear Leah,

It has been one and a half years since you have graced our family with your fabulous presence. Sometimes I can't believe it's been that long! It feels like yesterday I was looking at your hours-old face and feeling so blessed. But other days I can't begin to imagine what our family was like without you and it feels like you've been here forever. :) I read your birth story last night, which was magical and surreal and made me remember what a miracle new life is!

Physically, you have grown from a 9-pound 13-ounce teeny tiny baby into a 27-pound toddler! You are very tall (surprise, surprise) and are running around everywhere. You have the most incredible personality and know just how to make us laugh. Sometimes you know exactly how to make me pull all my hair out, too. But that just come with the toddler territory!

Your favorite thing in the WORLD right now is reading books. If I sit down for more than a minute, you run and grab a book and bring it back for me to read. You seem to prefer books with real animals and people in them. I think it's helping you learn some new words (because, let's face it, your big brother does all the talking and there hasn't been a reason to start before now). You love to point out animals in books and make their corresponding sounds. I have to say, when you hear an actual sheep for the first time, you're going to wonder why it's not "baa"ing more quickly.

You are full of kisses. For me, Jack, Daddy, Lucy (aka the most tolerant cat in the world), and all of the puppies and kitties in your books. They started as lovely, open-mouth smooches, but now they're so sweet! Your little pursed lips are just to die for. As are your warm, rosy cheeks when you wake up from a nap. Those are something I can't stop kissing!

I'd rather not be around the day something happens to one or both of your blankets. Because at this point, I'm not sure you could survive without them. It's pretty adorable how you ask for your "deedee" and walk around with it and suck on the corners, but you are HOOKED on this thing! It's actually quite nice that you have a "lovey." Your silly brother had nothing. No blanket, no pacifier, no animal. He didn't know what he was missing. :)

It's hard to believe, in the middle of this freezing cold winter, that we'll be celebrating your SECOND birthday in six short months when it's nice and warm. You have been an immense blessing to our family in these eighteen months. It's very exciting to think about the future of our family of four. Thank you for your sweet spirit and incredible heart! You make me so happy that I'm a mom.

Love you to pieces,
Mama

Timber

2011-01-02T13:25:00.005-06:00

On Tuesday, we decided to make a trek to Ikea to buy some new dining room chairs. On our way down our street, we noticed that there was a team of people getting ready to shovel the snow off of all of our roofs. Yay! What a smart thing for them to do (since they spent all summer a couple years ago putting new roofs on every home).

So we conquered Ikea, stopped for some lunch, and headed home to find that they were almost done with the snow removal. As we went on with our afternoon, they re-plowed our driveway and re-shoveled our steps. One area they LEFT, however, was our deck. It was PILED with snow that had been shoveled from the roof. I had noticed some decks as we drove down our street and into our driveway and thought, "Wow, that's a lot of snow for a deck to hold!" Of course, since they had re-plowed and re-shoveled, we assumed they would be back as some point to clear off the deck. Well, they didn't come back on Tuesday. They didn't come back on Wednesday.

On Wednesday night around midnight, Dan was downstairs and heard a huge crash. He looked out the window and, sure enough, our deck had finally fallen from the weight of the snow. Since there wasn't much he could do at that time of night, we called our association contact the next day. The guy came out about an hour later to check everything out, and by that night a team of people had gotten our grill, table, and chairs safely off the deck and into our yard.

The next day (Friday), the owner of the company that had done the roof shoveling came by to look at the deck. He was kind of a bully and said that the deck was in terrible shape anyway, etc. True (the deck is as old as the house--1979), but beside the point. The deck has held a normal amount of snow just fine for six winters and our grill, deck furniture, and all of US for six summers. He left kind of crabby and said he'd be back on Monday. So we'll see what tomorrow brings. But based on people we have talked to, it seems like a no-brainer. This is clearly his fault and we *should* get a new deck out of it. (Which is actually really exciting!)

Here are some pictures of the fallen deck. They'll hopefully come knock it the rest of the way down and haul it all away soon. :)

(Oh, and the same day the owner came to talk to us, his team was back--clearing off every last deck in our development!)

Looking straight out our deck door:

The other side, toward our front yard:

We thought of removing the railings and sledding down. ;)

Merry Christmas :)

2010-12-27T22:42:00.009-06:00

Just a few shots of our Christmas Eve and Christmas Day festivities.

The Butterfly Circus

2010-12-21T21:52:00.003-06:00

I have to share the most amazing short film with you. Dan went to a discipleship training school in Kansas City with its writer/director, Joshua Weigel. This movie has already won the Clint Eastwood Filmmaker Award (among other 2010 film fest awards), and it is becoming a feature film. I'm sure it will be up for the Academy Award for best short film. It's really incredible! You can learn more about it at www.butterflycircus.com.

Thank you, anonymous commenter, for the link to the official video on vimeo!

The Butterfly Circus - HD from The Butterfly Circus on Vimeo.

Santa, Baby

2010-12-20T15:29:00.003-06:00

We visited the best Santa in the world on Saturday. (Mother Earth Gardens in South Minneapolis--take note for next year!) Jack was enthralled. Leah, not so much. Really quite beside herself, actually. But it made for some cute pictures!

And it snowed....

2010-12-12T12:18:00.006-06:00

Here in Minnesota, we've just survived what has been beautifully referred to as a "snownami." By the time it stopped last night, the Twin Cities had between 10 and 17 inches of snow. Pretty crazy. It even cause the roof of the Metrodome to collapse!

As it came down yesterday, I watched the depth on our deck continue to increase and got a great idea for a picture. It was literally as deep as Leah is tall, so I wanted to bundle her all up and plop her down in the snow. Unfortunately (well, for me anyway), she didn't sink down more than a couple of inches. So my awesome picture idea was out the window (since I didn't think she'd appreciate being pushed down forcefully), but we set her on top of the snow and still got a few cute pictures. :)

This is amazing

2010-11-30T21:00:00.004-06:00

Seriously amazing. A friend on Facebook shared a link to this video. Please watch it and enjoy. :)

After watching it, I noticed another video on the right called "The Making of....." and I had to watch it. Well, it turns out there were four parts of "The Making of...." but it just made the original video that much more amazing! So please, sit back and enjoy. If for nothing else than to enjoy David Crowder's hair. Honestly. Love.

WFD 11/21/10

2010-11-20T18:37:00.002-06:00

Okay, this is actually going to be for dinner tomorrow night, but I'm excited about it. :) I made this like three years ago when I first found the recipe in an old Cooking Light magazine. It was good, so I don't know why I haven't made it since then. Enjoy! (I personally add a little more bacon and cheese than it calls for--it's a little less "cooking light," but tastes great). :)

Cheddar Chicken Chowder
2 bacon slices
1 pound chicken breasts, cut into bite-size pieces
1 cup chopped onion
1 cup diced red bell pepper
2 garlic cloves, minced
4½ cups chicken broth
1¾ cups diced, peeled red potatoes
2¼ cups frozen whole-kernel corn
½ cup flour
2 cups 2% milk
¾ cup shredded cheddar cheese
½ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon pepper

Cook bacon in a dutch oven over medium-high heat until crisp. Remove and crumble; set aside. Add the chicken, onion, red bell pepper, and garlic to drippings. Saute 5 minutes. Add broth and potato and bring to a boil. Cover, reduce heat, and simmer 20 minutes or until potatoes are tender. Add corn; stir well.

Whisk flour and milk until blended. Add to soup. Bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Reduce heat to medium, and simmer 15 minutes or until thick, stirring frequently. Stir in the cheddar cheese, salt, and pepper. Top with crumbled bacon.

WFD 10/12/10

2010-10-14T15:30:00.001-05:00

Sorry, I've been quite absent. :)

Stir Fry

Stir Fry:
chicken
peppers
mushrooms
broccoli
water chestnuts
pea pods

Marinade:
¼ cup soy sauce
1 teaspoon sesame oil
¼ teaspoon ground ginger
1 tablespoon cornstarch
½ teaspoon red pepper flakes (optional)

Sauce:
1 cup chicken broth
3 tablespoons soy sauce
1½ tablespoons cornstarch
1 teaspoon sesame oil

Mix marinade ingredients and add chicken.

Mix sauce ingredients and set aside.

Heat oil in a large pan and saute chicken until cooked through. Remove chicken and saute vegetables until cooked. Add chicken and sauce mixture to vegetables. Cook until sauce thickens.

Pumpkin cookies

2010-09-27T20:50:00.002-05:00

I got this recipe from my friend Amy and made them last night. They are delicious! They are also egg- and dairy-free, so they're great for people with those particular food allergies. :)

Pumpkin Cookies
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup canned pumpkin
1/2 cup oil
2 cups flour
1 t baking soda
1 t baking powder
1/2 t salt
1/2 t cinnamon
1/2 t nutmeg
1/4 t ginger
1 cup raisins (optional)
1/2 cup chopped nuts (optional)

Combine all ingredients and drop by spoonful onto greased cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 12-15 minutes. Cool slightly before moving to cooling rack.
I frosted some with cream cheese frosting, which was really tasty. :)

WFD 9/24

2010-09-26T20:06:00.003-05:00

Here you go, Lisa. ;)

Chicken Pot Pie! Easiest CPP recipe ever. Okay, it's the ONLY CPP I've ever made, but it IS really easy. And it's also not mine. It's from my friend Crissy. Thank you, Crissy. :) My favorite thing about this is that it's a classic one-dish meal. No need for any other side dish--everything is in there!

Chicken Pot Pie
1/3 cup melted butter
1 clove garlic
1/3 cup flour
1/2 t salt
1/4 t pepper
Blend above ingredients in a saucepan and start cooking over medium heat. When it starts to bubble, add:
1 1/2 cups water mixed with 2 t chicken boullion
2/3 cup milk
Bring to a boil and add:
2 cups cubed cooked chicken
1 bag mixed veggies

Roll out one refrigerated pie crust in pie pan. Add mixture and roll another pie crust on top. Crimp edges and make a few cuts in the top. Bake at 425 degrees for 30 minutes.

WFD 9/16

2010-09-16T22:46:00.002-05:00

Well, I broke out my crock pot for the first time this season! I love using my crock pot--it's so easy to throw stuff into it in the morning, and I get to smell it all day long. :)

Tonight I made this beef stroganoff recipe. Really delicious! And oh, so easy.

Crock pot beef stroganoff
1-2 pounds beef stew meat
1 pound sliced fresh mushrooms (this might seem like a lot when you throw it all in, but they cook down quite a bit--and they're just delicious)
1 onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 (10.75oz) can cream of mushroom soup (the 98% fat free works great)
1/2 cup water
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1-2 tablespoons worcestershire sauce
1 cup sour cream

Place everything except for sour cream into your crockpot and cook on low for 6-8 hours. Stir in the sour cream and cook on high for another 15-30 minutes. Serve over egg noodles.

WFD 9/3

2010-09-04T18:56:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was a freezing cold "summer" day, so I made soup. I bought a butternut squash at the farmers market last week, hoping there would be a nice blustery day to use it for soup, and I lucked out! So, here is the recipe for the first soup:

Butternut Squash and Apple Bisque
3 tablespoons butter
5 cups seeded, peeled, cubed butternut squash
1¼ cups chopped onion
½ cup chopped carrot
½ cup chopped celery
1 small granny smith apple, cored, peeled, and chopped
½ teaspoon ground allspice
3½ cups (or more) vegetable or chicken broth
1 cup apple cider
1 cup whipping cream

Melt butter in a large pot. Add squash, onion, carrot, and celery. Saute for about 10 minutes. Mix in apple and allspice. Add broth and cider and bring to a boil. Reduce to medium-low and simmer about 30 minutes. Puree in batches and return to pot. Add more broth if too thick. Add ½ cup cream and bring to a simmer. Season with salt and pepper. Ladel, drizzle with cream, and sprinkle with parsley.

Unfortunately, my husband doesn't share my love of butternut squash, so I made him chicken noodle soup. It's a Tyler Florence recipe that I found a few years ago, and it's really good. And it's not especially time consuming, particularly if you use a store-bought rotisserie chicken!

Chicken Noodle Soup
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 medium onion, chopped
3 garlic cloves, minced
2 medium carrots, cut diagonally into 1/2-inch-thick slices
2 celery ribs, halved lengthwise, and cut into 1/2-inch-thick slices
4 fresh thyme sprigs
1 bay leaf
2 quarts chicken stock
8 ounces dried wide egg noodles
1 1/2 cups shredded cooked chicken
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 handful fresh flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped

Place a soup pot over medium heat and coat with the oil. Add the onion, garlic, carrots, celery, thyme and bay leaf. Cook and stir for about 6 minutes, until the vegetables are softened but not browned. Pour in the chicken stock and bring the liquid to a boil. Add the noodles and simmer for 5 minutes until tender. Fold in the chicken, and continue to simmer for another couple of minutes to heat through; season with salt and pepper. Sprinkle with chopped parsley before serving.

WFD 8/22 and 8/23

2010-08-23T12:45:00.002-05:00

At a friend's request, I am posting last night's dinner (even though it was pretty basic and didn't require actual recipes--I think he just wants to make it on my blog. Here you go, Matt!) and tonight's dinner.

Last night, we brought dinner to the Glatzels' new home in Edina. They just moved back from Milwaukee, and we're THRILLED to have them closer again. We brought barbecued chicken, corn on the cob, baked potatoes, and watermelon. Kind of a quintessential summer meal (especially since the corn and watermelon were from the farmers market!).

The chicken was just the Gold 'n' Plump "best of fryer" (which I always thought was just a whole chicken cut into pieces, so I bought two packs; each pack, among the other chicken parts, had three breasts. Poor chickens...). I baked the chicken at 400 degrees for about 30 minutes. Then I slathered it with barbecue sauce and Dan grilled it over pretty low heat (otherwise the barbecue sauce burns and you have very black, crispy chicken) for about 20 minutes.

Tonight's dinner is penne a la vodka. Which reminds me, I need to buy some vodka. :)

1 pound penne
6 ounces prosciutto, chopped
1 clove garlic, minced
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 can whole tomatoes (drain and reserve juice), chopped
1 cup half and half
½ cup vodka
¼ cup chopped fresh parsley
3 tablespoons chopped fresh basil (or 1 tablespoon dry)
¼ teaspoon salt
1 cup parmesan cheese

Cook pasta.
In a large skillet, over medium-high heat, saute prosciutto and garlic in olive oil for 2 minutes. Add tomatoes, ½ cup (or more) reserved juice, half and half, vodka, parsley, basil, and salt. Bring to a boil for 5 minutes, stirring often. Add the parmesan.
Drain pasta and toss with sauce.

WFD 8/17

2010-08-18T22:05:00.002-05:00

Spicy Cajun Shrimp! This is one of Dan's favorite meals (and I really love it too), but I hardly ever make it! And of course, every time I do, I think, "Gosh, I should make this more often!" It's not difficult at all. It's just a matter of having all the right stuff around. :) I'm including a really easy recipe for a green bean side dish. It's just what we always have with this meal!

Spicy Cajun Shrimp
3 pounds shrimp (peeled and deveined)
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper
½ teaspoon black pepper
½ teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon crushed red pepper
½ teaspoon dry thyme
½ teaspoon dry basil
½ teaspoon dry oregano
⅓ cup butter
1½ teaspoon minced garlic
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce¼ cup beer, room temperature
1 cup tomatoes, diced

Combine seasonings in small bowl. Combine butter, garlic, Worcestershire sauce and seasonings in large skillet over high heat. When butter is melted, add tomatoes, then shrimp. Cook 2 minutes, stirring evenly. Add beer and cover; cook 1 minute longer. Remove from heat.

Serve with saffron rice.

Green Beans and Pine Nuts
2 quarts green beans
¼ cup olive oil
½ cup pine nuts, chopped

Boil beans in salted water for about 7 minutes. Rinse in cold water and drain. Mix with olive oil and pine nuts. Serve luke warm.

WFD 8/10

2010-08-11T20:06:00.003-05:00

Last night was family dinner night, and we gathered here for pizza on the grill. It actually ended up being a disaster. But I want to try it again sometime. So I really have no great pointers when it comes to the grill, but here are some other tidbits:

You must buy your pizza dough at Trader Joe's. It is $.99 for a ball of dough. You can't beat that! They have white and wheat, and I know in the past they've also had an herb dough. The only problem is that the directions say to bake the crust/pizza at 350 degrees, and that was not NEARLY hot enough. Crank it to 400. Also, bake the crust for 5-7 minutes before adding toppings. Then continue baking to finish the crust and melt the cheese.
Our favorite combination was pesto instead of sauce, chicken, and mozzarella. (Mom also added eggplant, mushrooms, and caramelized onions to her end).
My personal favorite was (and always is, really) sausage, green peppers, and mushrooms. Mmmm.

We'll try this again someday! I think we learned a lot. :)

p.s. Leah is 13 months old today. But just like I did with Jack, I'm taking a break until 18 months. Then I'll probably write a letter every year. It did feel funny to write 8/11 today. I said, "Leah, you're 13 months today!" and Jack said, "Holy cow!" 13 months must sound really old. :)

WFD 8/3

2010-08-04T09:49:00.003-05:00

WFD=What's For Dinner ;)

Last night was National Night Out. Since my neighborhood doesn't do anything, and Dan is out of town for work, and my parents' neighborhood DOES do something, we headed over there for the festivities. To contribute to the potluck table, I brought one of my favorite things to make in the summer. It's a pasta salad with pesto, and it's the besto. (Hahaha).

This is the perfect time of year to make lots of pesto and throw it in your freezer because basil is SO STINKIN' CHEAP at the farmers market! A couple of weeks ago, I got three HUGE bunches (they pretty much filled a plastic Target bag) for $3.

So, here's a simple recipe for pesto:
1 garlic clove
1/4 toasted pine nuts (I've also used walnuts)
3 cups packed fresh basil leaves
1/2 cup olive oil
1/4 cup parmesan cheese
salt and pepper
Roughly chop garlic and add to food processor, along with pine nuts, basil, and about 1 T olive oil. Pulse until ingredients are finely chopped. With machine running, add remaining oil in a slow, steady stream. Add parmesan and pulse to combine. Season with salt and pepper. This makes about 1 1/2 cups of pesto.

Now, on to the rest of the salad:
1 lb bowtie pasta (Barilla is the only brand that I've found that sells bowtie pasta in a 1-pound box. Other brands sell 12 oz).
1 pint grape or cherry tomatoes, halved
1 cup crumbled feta cheese
3/4 cup pesto
Cook pasta. Drain and run under cold water. Combine pasta and pesto and stir until pasta is well-coated. Add feta and tomatoes and mix. Enjoy!

What's for dinner?

2010-07-29T09:57:00.002-05:00

So, blogging every day in March was fun, and it made me blog a little more regularly afterwards. For like a week, anyway. I decided I needed to come up with something else to blog more frequently. So at least once a week, I will post about something we had for dinner and include recipes. It will get me here at least once a week, and it will force me to make something "good" for dinner a little more often. :)

This week's entry was actually last Friday's dinner. Fajitas! And the recipe for the marinade is from Chili's--my mom had it in a cookbook full of restaurant secret recipes. We served them with corn salsa, which is a recipe that my aunt made up when she was visiting a few years ago. It's hard to stop eating it. :) Enjoy!

Fajitas
4 chicken breasts or one flank steak
3 bell peppers
1 onion
marinade:
1/4 cup lime juice
1/3 cup water
2 T oil
1 garlic clove, pressed
3 T white vinegar
2 t soy sauce
1/2 t liquid smoke
1 t salt
1/2 t chili powder
1/2 t cayenne pepper
1/4 t black pepper
dash onion powder

Mix all marinade ingredients and add chicken or steak. Let sit in fridge for at least a few hours. While meat grills, saute onion and peppers in a little oil. Serve with fajita fixings.

Corn Salsa
6 ears fresh sweet corn, cooked
1 can black beans, drained and rinsed
1/2 red onion, finely chopped
1 red or orange bell pepper, finely chopped
1 bunch cilantro, chopped
juice of 3 limes
salt and pepper
cumin, to taste
hot sauce or cayenne pepper, to taste

Toss all ingredients together and enjoy with tortilla chips!

one year

2010-07-11T07:23:00.000-05:00

My sweet baby girl,

As of 5:53 this morning, you have officially been alive in this world for one year. Good Lord, that went fast. This whole week has been a lot of, "Last year at this time...." It's been fun remembering last summer and how exciting it was to FINALLY start feeling contractions a week after my due date. And then how frustrating it was to have them stop. Twice. And then how great it was to finally go to the hospital and know we were so close to meeting you. And then how amazing it was to finally have you OUT of me and to see your sweet face and kiss you and hold you and say, "Thank you for being born!"

This year has been a lot of things. It has been overwhelming, getting used to life with two kids and all of the challenges and joys that come with it. It has been exciting, watching you grow before our very eyes and learn new things. It has been tiring, with many sleepless nights, early mornings, and skipped naps. But it has been awesome. I never knew my heart could feel like this!
It is so crazy to look at pictures from those first few days and think, "Were you really ever that tiny?" And really, since you were 9 lb 13 oz at birth, the answer to that question is, "No. You were never 'tiny'." :) But you did fit into my arms a little differently than you do now! And it's really wild to think about how tiny you felt in the Moby wrap. I can't imagine trying to get you into that again! I should try just for the fun of it.

It's really fun to watch you eat new things, now that you are allowed to eat almost everything. You still have your favorites--yogurt, avocados, bananas, cheese. And as of your party yesterday, cupcakes are climbing the list of favorites! Wow, you sure enjoyed that thing. You had frosting everywhere! Hair, ears, toes. What a treat! Cupcakes and potato chips. I'm a pretty awesome mom when it comes to nutrition. :)
It's interesting how birthday parties become increasingly more exciting with every year. Jackson is already planning a Batman party for next March. But you? Today was just any other day! You didn't care what everyone was here for. And you certainly didn't want to waste your time opening presents. It's a good thing people are understanding. :) You did get some lovely things. New toys are always exciting. And new clothes! Gotta love it.

Jack was sure that you'd start saying "Mama" by the time you turned one, but it's not happening. Everything is still "dada." Except that you never actually call Daddy "dada." "Dada" means "bye bye" and "thank you" and when it's yelled across the house it means "Jackson." :) It's crazy how we can totally tell what you're saying even though you're just repeating the same two syllables. Or maybe we're all just delusional and you're not actually saying anything. Nah, you're a genius!

When Jack was a baby, we got to the point where we couldn't remember what life was like without him. "What did we do before we had this amazing baby in our lives?" After you were born, it didn't take long for us to say, "What was life like with just one?" You so quickly made such an imprint on our lives and were clearly a vital part of our family. And even more now, I cannot even imagine what our family would be like without you in it! It certainly wouldn't be as exciting. You have added so much in your one year here. God sure knows how to bless a family.

I'm so thankful for you, sweetheart! I look forward to the next year and many more after that. It makes my heart happy to watch you grow!

Love you so much,
Mom

My girlie girl!!!!

2010-07-09T14:47:00.004-05:00

Leah got her first birthday present in the mail today! It was from her cyber-buddy Jagger (whose mom I am friends with through a small group on Babycenter). Check out my girl! She LOVES this thing--she walked around the house like she was made to wear tutus. :)

So pretty!!!And a matching headband? Too much!

Lucy was very interested in the tutu. :)

eleven months

2010-06-14T13:55:00.003-05:00

Leah,

This is late. I'm sorry. If you could comprehend the craziness that has defined the last couple of weeks, you'd understand. But let's move on. :)

Being 11 (+) months means that my next letter will be your ONE YEAR letter. That's just impossible. Well, maybe it's not entirely impossible. I mean, sometimes it feels like FOREVER since you entered this world and turned our house upside down with sleepless nights and everything else that comes with a newborn. But on the other hand, it feels like just yesterday that we finally got to meet you and hold you and know that our family would never be the same.

So, you went from taking a few steps at a time to practically running around the house. Nothing is safe from you now! I can hardly turn around without noticing that you're halfway down the hallway, heading for the bathroom. Ah, yes. The bathroom. Pretty much your favorite room in the house. I mean, where else can you unroll the toilet paper (and eat it), dig through the garbage, empty the tub toys, and rifle through the cleaning products under the sink? Seriously, it's no wonder that door stays closed most of the day. And the toilet paper is usually on the counter instead of where it belongs. And the garbage is on the counter. Lovely. :)

The cutest thing you're doing right now (besides walking all over the darn house) is waving bye-bye. It's accompanied by "da da," which means, "bye bye." (Never mind what your daddy thinks it means). I'm officially calling "da da" (bye bye) your second word, after "Kkkk" for kitty. :) A recent third is "Hi," which has just made its debut in the last few days. And you have a word for Jack, but I haven't quite pinned it down yet. You're usually calling him from another room. It's pretty cute! You also sing--usually in the car. It cracks Jack up, which cracks ME up, and makes the car ride quite enjoyable.

I feel like I should leave this letter short and sweet to make sure I have lots of things to say in your 1-year letter, which will be here before we know it. I love you, babe. See you in the morning. :)

Mom

The countdown begins!

2010-05-22T20:52:00.002-05:00

Today is May 22nd, which means that in exactly one month I will turn 30.

One more month left in my 20s! Woo hoo!!!

ten months

2010-05-11T13:13:00.002-05:00

Baby Leah,

Just how long will it be okay to call you that? Because everyone still does, you know. Even though you're quickly exiting this "baby" phase! Oh well. I think it's cute. And you're still my baby! Maybe you always will be my baby! You could be 35 years old and still be "baby Leah." So get used to it, chica.

This month has been characterized by ILLNESS! And it's not over. It all started with a diaper rash. At your 9-month appointment, Dr. Benson took a look and said, "Hmmm....that looks yeasty." So we used some cream left over from my misdiagnosis of thrush to get rid of your "yeasty" rash. And it worked wonderfully! But we had to be in disposable diapers for a while, lest the cream ruin your cloth. We were just about done treating your rash when we all ended up with an awful stomach bug. Jack started it. And like the wonderful mother that I am, I taught him to share, and he did! Dad got it next, then me, and unfortunately, then you. Needless to say, we continued with the disposable diapers for about another week. Your poor little tummy. Once that was all done, you started getting a runny nose. Then you had a fever. Then you developed a cough, which you are still dealing with. Luckily, it's not affecting your sleep much (other than the occasional "shorter than it should be" nap). So when this little cold is gone, I'd really like you to be all better for a while. Okay? And I think you'd enjoy being healthy too, so it's a win-win.

You weighed in at 20lb 10oz at your 9-month appointment. That means you're off the charts for length and in the 80th percentile for weight. It's the first time you haven't been at the top of the curve for weight, so it feels a little weird. But the doctor assured me that you're still growing just fine. It's just weird because Jack was this size at FOUR months. Yeah, your brother was a porker. :) You certainly aren't slowing down in the "eating" department. You still love food SO much. Particularly dairy--cheese, yogurt, cottage cheese--so it's a good thing that little stint with the milk protein intolerance didn't last!

How big is Leah? SO BIG!!! Yes, this is your new trick. :) Along with clapping and going night-night (tilting your head over like you're sleeping). Yup, you've got a slew of party tricks! It's fun. And you're so expressive. You talk all the time. Not with words anyone can understand, but it's still darn cute. And I'm sure you are trying to tell us something very important. So keep trying--we'll hear it one of these days.

Sunday was Mother's Day--my fourth, but my first with you! It was a lovely, relaxing day. I'm sure to you it just felt like any other Sunday. But SOMEDAY this day will be marked with you making me breakfast in bed and showering me with affection. ;)

Frankly dear, I'd love to write more, but you are crying at my feet. It's rather pathetic, actually. You don't need anything. You just want me. And that's just fine with me! That's what I'm here for. Happy 10 months. And don't even remind me that that means one year is only two months away. It's going too fast. :)

Love you, babe.
Mom

We're pretty sure he's gifted

2010-05-10T10:10:00.002-05:00

Last night after dinner, we all went outside to let off some steam. I walked Leah around and Jack and Dan played baseball.

As Jack was retrieving a ball he had hit, he found a stick in the shape of a lower-case "y." He said, "Mommy! This is the letter from in 'I love you'!" I said, "Yup, that's the letter 'y'!" And Dan looked at me like, "Who is this kid?"

They proceeded to play baseball and I went inside to feed Leah. Before I knew it, they were calling me back out because they had to show me how well Jack was hitting. He is insane! It's just a big wiffle ball and bat, but that thing SAILS! He was quite proud of himself. He's actually better at hitting what Dan pitches to him than he is at hitting the ball off the tee. Goofy kid. :)

Jack says funny stuff

2010-05-08T19:42:00.003-05:00

But this is nothing new, right? Two gems today:

1) I got home from Target and the TV was STILL on. I told Jack that the cartoon would be ending in five minutes and he would have to turn it off. The end came and I could tell it was on a commercial, so I told him it was time to turn off the TV. "No, the man said, 'Don't go away!' It's not over, Mom!" Gotta love a little subliminal messaging. :)

2) While Dan was running errands this afternoon, I sat down to nurse Leah. When she opened her mouth, I could see something on her tongue. I said, "What did you put in your mouth?" and tried to fish it out with my finger. The commotion got Jack's attention, and we finally got a tiny piece of paper off her tongue. Then Jack said, "Well, it's a good thing your booby was right there!" It made no sense to me, but I guess he thought it helped with the paper in Leah's mouth. So I continued nursing and he continued talking about my breasts. I was mostly not paying attention, until he ended with, "You have the biggest boobies I ever saw!" It cracked me up, but I didn't want him to think it was inappropriate to say because he was so innocent about it. I mean, when you have a 10-month-old sister who has been breastfed since birth, breasts are kind of normal around here. :)

I was on such a roll....

2010-05-06T21:51:00.002-05:00

.....and then life got in the way. Let's see....

We've all completely healed from the stomach bug. Although now Leah has a runny nose and little cough, and I seem to have a sore throat that I'm hoping ends there. But it probably won't.

Jack goes through at least a half ream of paper every day. Okay, that might be exaggerated, but not by much! This kid draws ALL DAY LONG. It cracks me up. He is SUCH a perfectionist (gee, where does he get that?) and kind of freaks out when he messes up. Which, in his opinion, he does quite frequently.

Leah is taking more and more steps these days. She is kind of hilarious when she does it. If she doesn't get her balance first, she looks completely drunk. Too funny. I love this early walker stage. :)

I'm sad that our lovely spring weather has turned chilly again. The high tomorrow is 48 degrees and it's supposed to rain all day. Yuck! Give me a NICE May day so I can take a nice walk with my kids!

It's time for bed. I can actually hear it calling my name. :) But I promise to write something more interesting this weekend!

No, Donald, YOU'RE fired.

2010-04-26T19:07:00.002-05:00

I don't usually enjoy The Apprentice, but I tend to get into the celebrity version. This season is down to the final seven contestants, and it's actually getting quite fun. (I mean, if nothing else, it's just fun to listen to Sharon Osborne and Curtis Stone speak!) Plus, there's nothing else on TV on Sunday evenings, and it's just what I usually end up watching.

The weak link, in my opinion, is Donald Trump. But since he's kind of the reason the show exists, I just have to deal with him. Including when he makes a fool of himself and the English language.

Last night, in the boardroom, Cyndi Lauper said, "I feel bad," referring to her earlier criticism of the other team. Trump quickly corrected her and said, "You don't feel bad. You feel badly," at which point Cyndi apologized and said, "I feel badly."

Donald, I don't care if you're a gazillionaire--you just came across as quite uneducated in front of many, many viewers. For shame. You, sir, are fired.

Read about action verbs vs linking verbs here.

YUCK!

2010-04-25T13:21:00.003-05:00

Warning: bodily fluid post ahead.

Last Tuesday night, just as I was finishing getting ready for bed, I heard Jack crying in his room. (Sometimes he wakes up and wanders around aimlessly because he's not totally awake). I went in and grabbed him and took him into the hallway so Leah wouldn't wake up. Well, he was covered in his own puke. Poor thing. Jack hates puking almost as much as I do. And I REALLY hate puking. I stripped him, washed him off, brushed his teeth, and got new jammies on. He was sure he was done throwing up, so I put him in our bed and Dan lay down with him while I went in and stripped his bed and started laundry.

Pretty soon I heard Dan call for me. He had puked again, all over himself and our bed. Lovely. I stripped him again, washed him off, stripped OUR bed, and returned to the laundry room while Dan got him in more clean jammies. I got laundry going and went back upstairs with clean sheets for our bed. We got them on, covered Jack's side with towels, and got him settled down again. We also found a bucket and begged him to try to make it to the bucket next time. :)

The rest of the night was uneventful, but he ended up throwing up twice the next morning. We laid pretty low all day Wednesday. He didn't eat much, but he also didn't puke anymore, so I figured we were out of the woods. He slept great in his own bed, but woke up Thursday morning and got sick AGAIN. Luckily, the rest of Thursday was pretty normal for him.

Friday afternoon, Dan called to say he was not feeling well and would be coming home early. He walked in the door at 4:30, made his way to the couch downstairs, and was there until the following morning, only leaving to use the bathroom (it seems the bug was giving him "other end" issues). By the time I got the kids in bed on Friday night, I didn't feel quite right. I decided that I better run to the grocery store for some necessities while I still felt human. When I got home, I also washed a pile of dishes so they wouldn't be sitting there all weekend.

By the time I climbed in bed, I was sure I would be up sick in a matter of hours. Well, I wasn't, but I slept terribly. When I woke up Saturday morning, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I nursed Leah, handed her off to Dan (who was already feeling much better) and went back to bed. I napped, nursed, napped, nursed. I got out of bed a couple of times, but quickly felt like I was going to fall over because I was so weak. I ate a couple pieces of toast in the afternoon and some soup for dinner. I tried to go to bed early, but the day of naps kept me up a little later than I wanted.

Sunday morning, I felt a lot better, Dan felt a lot better, and Leah had diarrhea. Shoot! She could not escape unscathed. She was a little more cuddly than normal, but didn't seem to be too uncomfortable. We decided to brave the outside world (maybe just so we could get out of the house) for lunch. As we sat down to eat at Noodles, Jack said, "My tummy hurts." Oh, great. I told him that if he felt like he was going to throw up, he had to tell Daddy really quick so they could go to the bathroom. Thirty seconds later, "Daddy, I need to go to the bathroom!" Sure enough, he was sick again.

Seriously! We just need a break! I feel the need to bleach everything in my house. I feel like my washing machine has been working non-stop since Tuesday night. Let's hope that this is the end for all of us!

The truth comes out....

2010-04-16T09:15:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I was tidying up the living room because Stephanie (breastmilk recipient) was coming over with her boys. Jack came over to show me what he was coloring, noticed I was cleaning, and said, "Who's coming?"

Yup. I only clean when people are coming over.

Not really, but it made me laugh really hard!

Mmmm.....croupons

2010-04-15T09:31:00.002-05:00

Jack LOVES croutons. And he calls them "croupons," which is just cute. Whenever we have Caesar salad, he jumps up on the dining room table and steals the croutons out of it. And since those bags of Caesar salads don't put enough croutons in it to begin with, we had to buy Jack his own back of croutons so he could have a few when we had our salad.

Last night, we had pasta and a Caesar salad. Jack started crawling onto the table to steal croutons, and I told him to get down. He asked for his own, but they are gone. He got mad and REALLY wanted some croupons! So I told him that he could have some croutons if he ate some salad. He seemed okay with this idea, so I put some in a bowl for him with some croutons, and he totally ate it!

The best part was this morning when he brought it up again. "Mommy, were you really surprised when I ate salad last night?" Yup, I was. :)

He thinks he's hilarious

2010-04-14T17:47:00.002-05:00

Jack: Knock, knock

Me: Who's there?

Jack: Leah

Me: Leah who?

Jack: Leah wants you to open the door and give me grapes! (Followed by uncontrollable fake laughs)

Jack: Knock, knock

Me: Who's there?

Jack: Daddy

Me: Daddy who?

Jack: Daddy wants you to open the door and give me apples! (More fake laughing)

I'm not sure who taught him about jokes (not me!), but something tells me he doesn't quite get it yet. :)

He melts my heart!

2010-04-12T13:23:00.001-05:00

My friend Rebecca was helping out in Jack's Sunday school room yesterday and passed along this gem of a story. :)

"I have to tell you something precious Jackson said. One of the little girls came in and her name sounded like Erin. Jack said, 'Erin is my mom's name!' Then he said, 'Well, I call her Mommy, but my Dad calls her Erin...(pause, smile)...or honey!'"

Honestly made my day. :)

nine months

2010-04-11T13:22:00.016-05:00

Dear Leah,

I think nine months is kind of a special age because it means you have now been outside my belly as long as you were inside it! That's kind of weird, actually. I feel like I was pregnant for a year and a half, but I'm pretty sure you were just born like last week. Why does time go so quickly when you want it to go a little more slowly so you can enjoy it? Not that I'm not enjoying this, because I am LOVING every moment. But I look at pictures from just a few months ago and think, "Who is this baby?"

Right now you are sitting in the high chair as I type this. You're being quite a little piggy, actually. Lately you've been a little more difficult to feed. You just aren't as interested and you constantly turn your head away like you're done after just a couple bites. But today's lunch was a different story! You had a bowl of applesauce, a piece of toast, and finished off your peaches and yogurt from breakfast. Hungry girl!

Okay, now it's four hours later and you're with me again--crawling around on the floor and I try to finish this. Actually, I'm a little frustrated. The computer has lost the internet multiple times and even though Blogger SAID it was auto-saving, it wasn't. And darned if I can remember what I wrote about four hours ago! Oh well. You're being cute again--what's new? You found a piece of Jack's apple from his lunch and have been sucking away on it under the dining room table. That's your new thing--eating bigger pieces of food by taking bites of it yourself. Your favorite is toast, but we might have to add apple slices to the list! You also keep coming across your blanket (which is normally in your crib for naps and bedtime) and lying down with it. So adorable. Then you motor over to Lucy and scream at her. And you find a toy you forgot you had and spend a whole 20 seconds playing with it. You're a busy little girl!
I am very much looking forward to this summer with you! It's bound to be more exciting than last summer. :) Maybe we can leave the house for more than 15 minutes at a time! I already know you loving the stroller, so walks will be a blast. But it will be really fun to try swimming and stuff too. We have to take advantage of nice weather, because before you know it, we'll see snow on the ground again! :(

Oh, you're clapping! It's just the best. We're working on "so big," but you're MUCH more into clapping. And you totally know you're doing it right too. Maybe it's all the encouragement you get from us because you're so darn cute when you do it. :) And then you flash that toothy grin and it gets even cuter!

It blows me away how much you change in just a month, but it's so much fun. You're simply delightful! It also blows me away that we're only three months from your first birthday. Insane. But man, with one year under our belts, there's not much we can't do, so bring it on!
Love you, dear.
Mom :)

And now, for your viewing pleasure, Leah through the months!

One month

Two months

Three months

Four months

Five months

Six months

Seven months

Eight months

Nine months

This is what happens when I clean!

2010-04-09T19:20:00.003-05:00

I come across really random stuff. Like the time I cleaned out the bathroom closet and found three full boxes of Q-tips and my positive pregnancy tests from both Jack and Leah (ick!).

In a junk drawer in our bedroom, I found a piece of note paper that had been used as a bookmark when I read Grace Eventually by Anne Lamott a couple years ago. I wrote a couple small quotes on it that made me want to pick up the book again. So I think I might. I'm between book club books right now and just finished another rather dull novel, so I could use something a little more inspiring. :)

"Jesus is saying that we could be aware of, filled with, and saved by the presence of holy beauty, rather than worship golden calves."

"You want to know how big God's love is? The answer is: It's very big. It's bigger than you're comfortable with."

I love Anne.

The Hills are Alive.....

2010-04-05T12:53:00.003-05:00

Every Easter, you can find The Sound of Music somewhere on television. And even though we own the DVD and could pop it in anytime we want, it's somehow more exciting to catch it on TV and watch the whole thing. :) Last night, we finished dinner and were getting cleaned up when I remembered that it was going to be on. So I found it and started watching about an hour into it.

The Sound of Music is, hands down, my favorite movie. Ever. I can sing every line from every song. I'm sure I can recite much of it too. To this day, I simply ADORE Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer. I watched it SO many times as a child that I lost count. But it was funny as I watched it last night. I remembered that the wedding was pretty much the end of the movie for me. Until I could appreciate the backdrop of the war and Nazi influence in Austria, the rest of the movie was just kind of boring for me. I thought, "Why wouldn't they just end with the wedding? It so pretty and happy!" :)

Also, I used to fast forward through the scene where Maria is in the Reverend Mother's chambers after she has run away from the Von Trapp's. I distinctly remember thinking the scene was really dark and depressing. The Reverend Mother sings "Climb Ev'ry Mountain," which was just the most horrible song in the movie. But now, of course, it's one of my favorites! That nun could sing! I also wasn't crazy about the scene where Captain Von Trapp finds Maria in the garden and professes his love for her. Really? Maybe it was just lost on my 8-year-old self who was simply waiting for the wedding. But now, I can't imagine not watching that part. I mean, sure, it's kind of corny when Maria starts singing "Perhaps I had a wicked childhood...." right after they kiss, but that's what makes musicals so amazing.

My favorite part was watching Jack watch it. He didn't last long, but he LOVED the puppet show scene. :)

Good Friday

2010-04-02T16:03:00.003-05:00

I have had this song in my head today, and when I searched for it, I couldn't find the same version I'd first heard. It's Nichole Nordeman, and the version I know is of a live, hidden track on one of her albums. But I did find a video of the song put to clips from The Passion of the Christ, so I'm sharing it with you. Never mind the stuff at the end--this was obviously a project for service recruiting. :)

I am thankful for the events of Good Friday, but I'm even more thankful that we know this isn't the end. We have Easter Sunday to celebrate in two days. Praise the Lord!

C'est fini!

2010-03-31T08:11:00.003-05:00

Why, hello, last day of March! Looks like I was successful at blogging every day. I have to say, I'm a little surprised with myself. I kind of assumed I would forget at least once or just get sick of it and quit halfway through.

But I didn't!

I'm rather relieved that this everyday business is over. But I am fairly certain that getting in the habit of being here every day and writing at least SOMETHING will help in posting a little more frequently.

So, Happy March 31st. Now I need to devote the rest of today to thinking of a fun April Fool's joke for tomorrow. ;)

Heavy heart

2010-03-30T08:11:00.003-05:00

Becky Foreman went to be with Jesus at 3:30 this morning.

I can't imagine the numbness, shock, grief, and pain the family is feeling. So please be in prayer for her husband Doug, her daughters Alissa, Tanya, and Klava, and her sons Tyler and Ted.

Bless you, dear friends. As Peggy Lang said, may God's peace-that-doesn't-make-sense be with you.

I think I can.... I think I can....

2010-03-29T16:27:00.002-05:00

March is almost over. So far, so good! I think it's time for another "Random Thoughts Monday."

1) This week, spring will once again grace Minnesota with its presence. Hopefully this time it's for good! It will also mean that this is the first snowless March in, well, ever. At least since they started keeping track of such things, according to Belinda Jensen. That makes me happy. It also makes me a little nervous for April. Let's not have two record-breaking months in a row. First snowless March! Coldest April ever! Unless it's followed by "Summer begins in May and will last through October!"

2) Apparently, snowless isn't a word. spell check wants to make it "slowness" or "snow-less," neither of which I want.

3) Dan went to an open house at the new Target Stadium on Saturday. He got some AWESOME pictures (which will hopefully be up on his blog soon). We're very excited to go to a game sometime this year. But I think part of me will miss the dome!

4) I took a three-hour nap yesterday, and it was glorious. Dan really wanted to bless me with something and suggested that I go shopping or get a massage. After I asked where he found money for me to do those things, I told him all I really wanted was a nap. So we got home from church and I fed Leah and put her to bed. I laid down at about 11:30 and woke up at 2:30. I could hardly believe it. I felt like a new person!

5) For Jack's birthday party this weekend, we grilled out. It made me very excited for summer food. Summer has the best food. (Although, when I am making the season's first pot of wild rice soup in September, I might think differently).

6) 24 is on tonight. Dan and I thoroughly enjoy having "our shows" to watch during the week, and 24 is one of them. Unfortunately, 24 has been canceled and will not be returning after this year unless another network picks it up. :(

7) Jack's 4-year well-check visit is on Wednesday. I reminded him of it this morning and he said, "Do I have to get shots?" I answered honestly and said, "I don't know," but I'm pretty sure he does. :(

8) :) Just because the last two ended with a sad face.

9) I think that's all I've got for now. And I'm feeding Leah peas and carrots, so typing is getting difficult.

The rest of the festivities!

2010-03-28T19:19:00.010-05:00

So, we haven't even had a chance to touch these up, but I wanted to share some more pictures from last night. Jack had such a blast (after waiting patiently over a week to really celebrate!).

My crabby girl with Gigi. She had the most needy, clingy afternoon and just kind of fell apart at Jack's party.

Checking out a new superhero shirt, which he proudly wore to church today. :)

Super hero Chutes and Ladders! The best of both worlds!

Jack's best friend, the adorable Eli.

A noisy helicopter. :)

The next few pictures crack me up. He was just SO ready to blow out these candles and eat cake, but we made him pose. And he did.
Goofy boy. :)

And my silly girl, before she officially turned into a pumpkin. :)

the cake

2010-03-27T23:08:00.003-05:00

Well, Jack's "official" birthday party was this evening, and I have many stories and pictures to share, but for now I will just give you one of the cake.

A couple months ago, when Christmas was over and Jack needed something else to look forward to, we started talking about his birthday. He, of course, decided on a Spiderman birthday theme. So we looked around at what the grocery store bakeries had to offer in the way of Spiderman cakes. Unfortunately, they didn't have MUCH to offer. All of them incorporated this lame-o Spiderman toy that was supposed to be crawling up a wall, but instead it was crawling across the cake. Dumb.
Well then Jack decided that he wanted a Spiderman, Batman, Superman birthday. Awesome, kid. This should be MUCH easier! I called a local bakery that a friend had used last year for her son's garbage truck cake (because we all know how popular those are), and the best they could do was a sheet cake with both Spiderman and Batman figurines on it. Sorry, nope. Not when you're going to charge me $40!
Plan C. Make it myself. I had wanted to avoid this, but I decided that it could be really fun. So I looked online for some ideas. Of course the best ones were super detailed and way too ambitious for me to attempt. Lots of fondant. I don't do well with fondant. I have a friend who took the Wilton cake decorating classes a few years ago and has LOTS of awesome equipment, so I borrowed some stuff from her. I looked at some more ideas online and finally decided what I was going to do. I baked the cakes yesterday morning, layered and filled them around lunchtime, and put them in the fridge. I figured I would start decorating when the kids went to bed and finish putting it together today. Well, I just got in a groove last night and wanted to finish it, so I did. (And maybe God just knew that I would not have ONE extra minute to work on a cake today). :) So, at 11:00 last night, I ended up with a pretty cool finished product. And here is a really enthusiastic Jackson enjoying it:

He really did enjoy it much more than the picture portrays. This morning when he woke up, I said, "Hey Jack, do you want to see your cake?" and all throughout the day, he had to check on it in the fridge. :)

I was quite pleased with myself. The spiders and bats are totally edible, and the Superman "S" was actually the easiest part of the decorating.

I believe I have accidentally worked myself into a corner, though. I can't just buy a cake anymore. I should have thought this through a little more. :)

I have no words

2010-03-26T13:52:00.002-05:00

I found out yesterday that my dear friend's mother was given a month to live.

What do you even say to that? I thought about this all day yesterday and still didn't come up with anything. Of course I want to be able to say it's all going to be okay. I want to tell her that the doctors are wrong. I want to tell her that there's a leukemia specialist somewhere who wants to fix her mom.

But I can't. And I hate that.

My dear, sweet Alissa. You are so very loved. And even though I don't know what to say or do, God knows exactly what you need. So I will simply ask Him to do what He does and meet you where you are. Bless you all.

From Henri Nouwen

2010-03-25T11:57:00.001-05:00

"Dear God,
I am so afraid to open my clenched fists!
Who will I be when I have nothing left to hold on to?
Who will I be when I stand before you with empty hands?
Please help me to gradually open my hands
and to discover that I am not what I own,
but what you want to give me.
And what you want to give me is love,
unconditional, everlasting love.
Amen."

Shameless plug

2010-03-24T22:24:00.002-05:00

In October, I went to the park with my friend Amy. I forgot my camera in the car, so she took a few adorable pictures of my adorable children. When I got home and saw the pictures compared to those produced by my measly point-and-shoot, I decided that a new camera was something that I really wanted to invest in. And the fun part is that Dan agreed with me!

Well, as we looked at cameras, we realized that a new one probably wasn't in the cards for us quite yet. However, Dan found out that he was going to be getting some "points" at work for doing his job well. Okay, there is REALLY way more to all of that, but the short version is that Dan truly does his job very well and gets rewarded for it! He used to have to redeem his points on a reward website--and we got some cool stuff! Lost Season 1, an Elmo doll for Jackson, my iPod Shuffle, etc. But they changed the system, allowing you to be able to basically buy whatever you want and get reimbursed. When Dan found out he'd be getting a pretty decent amount of money, he decided he wanted to use it toward a new camera!

So, in December, we became the proud owners of a Nikon D90 DSLR. It's beautiful. And even better, it takes stunning pictures. And I haven't even learned everything there is to learn about it. But DAN has taken it upon himself to research this camera like crazy and learn all sorts of awesome stuff about photography. And he's pretty good! I mean, I can take a nice picture, but Dan clearly has an eye for this.

To showcase some of his stuff and share some photography information, he has started a blog. So please check it out sometime! You can also become a friend on facebook if you're there. That would be awesome. :) His blog is www.photopatzer.com. (Patzer is a term that refers to a amateurish chess player). I'm also adding it to my blog links to the left.

Happy Wednesday!

the dentist :(

2010-03-23T22:37:00.000-05:00

So, Jack has four cavities. We got this unfortunate information at his first dentist appointment last month. Today was the first appointment to start the cavity-filling process. Last time we were at the dentist, Jack got scared and cried for Dan. So we were proactive this time and Dan took the day off to accompany Jack.

I sent them off at 9:00, hoping not to hear anything again until they returned home. No such luck. Dan called about an hour later to tell me that it hadn't gone well. Bummer! My poor kid has the worst (or best?) gag reflex. I really feel terrible for him because he got it from me. This is why the last dentist appointment wasn't awesome either--they started with x-rays, Jack gagged on the film, and wouldn't open his mouth again for the hygienist. So, during the drilling today, the doctor would drill and the hygienist would squirt water and suck it back up. Unfortunately, not before Jack would gag on the water and the sucky thing.

So, here's my dilemma. The doctor said to just make another appointment for a month from now. But honestly, I really don't see this getting easier. He's not scared anymore, he wasn't in pain, he just has a gag reflex that he can't control. Do I look in to taking him to a pediatric dentist? Do I look into sedation dentistry? I'm one lost mama. :(

Mourning into Dancing

Beauty for Ashes

We don't despair

Beginnings

Disbelief

When you lose a baby

Weary

Choose Joy

Psalm 121

true story

Peace

Living with Hope

It's all she'll ever know

2 months

All Things New

2012

Hurtful vs. Helpful

Merry Christmas, Hannah!

Sunshine

I'm crabby

My Mimi

Peace

one month

Hannah Bear

Blah

Her name in the sand

Held

Happy Thanksgiving

Hannah's video

We are not alone

Too good not to share

Do I HAVE to?

Never Once

I read

More answers

Hannah's story

Hannah Marie

There's something missing!

In love!

Coconut chicken

My little Jedi masters :)

Off he goes!

number three

two years

Old friends :)

I'm an aunt!

When your five-year-old knocks your socks off

I can fix that....

I'm a Believer!

Extreme Couponing

Sleep

five years

Poppa is SO funny

My Jedi Master :)

The obligatory "after" picture

Meet Jack.

eighteen months

Timber

Merry Christmas :)

The Butterfly Circus

Santa, Baby

And it snowed....

This is amazing

WFD 11/21/10

WFD 10/12/10

Pumpkin cookies

WFD 9/24

WFD 9/16

WFD 9/3

WFD 8/22 and 8/23

WFD 8/17

WFD 8/10

WFD 8/3

What's for dinner?

one year

My girlie girl!!!!

eleven months

The countdown begins!

ten months

We're pretty sure he's gifted